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Overcoming the Role of Victim or Martyr

 

I. What is the difference between being a martyr or a victim?

 

!         Martyrs are people who recognize they are being taken advantage of and choose to remain in the situation.

Victims are people who are taken advantage of but are unaware of being treated as such. Once victims recognize that they are being treated unfairly, they have the choice of remaining in the situation or not. If they stay, they risk becoming martyrs.

 

!         Martyrs are those who recognize that their rights are ignored and abused but choose to remain in the situation and continue to be treated this way.

Victims are individuals whose rights are ignored and abused but were unaware that they would be treated in this manner before they entered the situation.

 

!         Martyrs are people who let others know how unfairly they are being treated but choose to remain in this unfair position.

Victims are people who let others know they have been treated unfairly. They have the chance to leave or change the situation in which they have been victimized. Victims often suffer silently for long periods of time before they are able to verbalize the unfairness of their life situations.

 

!         Martyrs often knowingly continue to enable or set up situations in which their rights are violated or ignored. This ``setting up'' is like a prediction or prophecy of failure into which, consciously or unconsciously, the martyrs play, fulfilling the prophecy.

Victims often unknowingly set themselves up for continued abuse and violation of their rights. They are often confused and bewildered as to why this occurs. They lack insight into the actions that bring on this abuse.

 

!         Martyrs often seek sympathy for their plight. They seek support, advice, and help from others. Yet they seem stuck in their current course of action and seem to be unable to resolve it.

Victims frequently never seek help. They are often frustrated and lost as to what needs to be done to get them out of their current situation. Once victims have been offered help and make a conscious choice to remain stuck in their situation, they become martyrs.

 

!         Martyrs frequently let the people whom they feel are taking advantage of them know how badly they are being treated. Martyrs often resort to badgering, nagging, scolding, threatening, belittling, antagonizing, and verbally putting down those whom they perceive to be taking advantage of them.

Victims rarely let the people who are taking advantage of them know how they feel about this treatment.

 

!         Martyrs often believe it is their obligation to remain in their position in life. They would feel guilty if they let go of the current situation. They fear taking the risk to change the situation. They are apparently comfortable, habituated, or submissive to the situation and believe a change would be worse for them and for the others in their lives.

Victims often want a change and are desperate for a solution to their situation. As soon as a victim gives in to a situation, choosing not to resolve or correct it, they become martyrs. The saying, ``If you are not part of the solution, you are part of the problem,'' applies to the martyr's state in life.

 

!         Martyrs have a story line which is stereotypic and habitual. They rarely change their tales of woe. One can meet them several years later and find them still suffering from the fate they were experiencing when you last talked to them.

Victims experience their plight temporarily, get help, and are more apt to get out of the situation. If after getting help and changing, victims experience the same problems later, they could be martyrs at that time.

 

!         Martyrs often mask their behavior with an aura of willingness and desire for behavioral change in their lives. Usually they are only fooling themselves, since the others in their lives can see by their behavior and attitude that there is no possibility of change.

Victims usually are open and honest about their discomfort and willingly seek behavioral change. Their sincerity is easily perceived by others due to the actions and behavioral changes that take place.

 

!         Martyrs are ``professional'' help seekers. They make the rounds of paid and volunteer helpers, advice givers, counselors, consultants, anyone willing to listen to their tale of woe. Unfortunately, they usually ignore the assistance, advice, or direction they are given. This frequently results in their ``helpers'' giving up on them in frustration and discouragement.

Victims, on the other hand, seek help in a ``crisis'' only after the pressure of their problems becomes too great for them to bear. They are highly motivated for a ``change'' and are rewarding people to work with as they and their helpers witness the benefits of the help, advice, and direction given.

 

II. A comparison of victim and martyr characteristics

Victim		Martyr
1.    Usually has shortBterm problem		LongBterm problem
2.    Motivated to change		Stuck in their problem
3.    Rights violated by others		Rights violated by others
4.    Did not choose the problem		Chooses to remain in problem situation
5.    Never complains		Complains all the time
6.    Lacks insight into problem		Frequently has insight into the problem
7.    Unknowingly plays an active part in the problem		Frequently knowingly plays an active part in the problem
8.     Doesn't often seek help		Seeks help all the time
9.    Wants to ``let go'' of problem		“Holds on to'' the problem
10.   Guilt free		Guilt driven
11.   Solution oriented		Problem oriented
12.   Powerless due to lack of knowledge		Powerless out of a free will choice to be so
13.   Unique problem		Stereotypic,with habitual problems
14.   Sincere desire to change		Mask of sincerity
15.   Honest to self and others about the problem		Dishonest to self and others about the desire to change
16.   Hesitant to get help		Seeks out help habitually
17.   Reticent to talk about problem		Relishes the attention received in talking about the problem
18.   Embarrassed about the problem		Wears problem as a badge of courage (purple heart)
19.   Wants a quick solution to their crisis		Creates crises out of everything but blocks all solutions
20.   Open to all new ideas		Holds a ``yes, Y but'' attitude to all new ideas

III. What are obstacles face victims and martyrs?

A.        Victims often:

!         Lack the knowledge that they are being taken advantage of by others.

!         Are so used to a certain way of being treated that they don't recognize it as unhealthy for them.

!         Lack healthy selfBesteem or selfBconcepts.

!         Have little belief in themselves.

!         Come from highBstress families where their rights were never respected; therefore, they lack the competencies, skills, and abilities to stand up for their rights.

!         Hold to some of the following irrational beliefs in their lives:

B       You must be nice to everyone, even if they are not nice to you.

B       Life is supposed to be filled with unhappiness and uncertainty.

B       The small guy never wins.

B       This is the way things are supposed to be.

B       There are winners and losers in all transactions between people.

B       My role in life is to be a loser.

B       Most people are basically selfish, mean, selfBcentered and disrespectful.

B       You should never complain.

B       Take it like a ``man'' (woman)!

B       Be silent with your feelings.

!         Do not stand up for their rights because they suffer from the irrational fear of:

B       disapproval

B       rejection

B       conflict

B       taking a risk

B       the unknown

B       change

B       confrontation

B       being overwhelmed emotionally and physically

B       loss of selfBrespect

B       making a mistake.

!         Lack information about assertive behavior and have no experience in using assertive behavior.

!         Lack ``others'' in their lives who can point out alternative healthy solutions to their problems.

!         Are timid, scared, and suspicious of help being offered to them.

!         Are skeptical about someone really wanting to help them.

 

B.        Martyrs often:

!         Are so caught up in their problems that they convince themselves no solution is possible.

!         Know they are being abused but are so used to it they can't visualize life any differently.

!         Lack healthy selfBesteem and selfBconcepts.

!         Lack belief in themselves or in others.

!         Had ``martyr'' role models in their families of origin and do not see their own behavior as maladaptive.

!         Hold to some of the following irrational beliefs in their lives:

B       You must be nice to people no matter how they treat you.

B       Everyone needs me and they would be lost without me.

B       I am depended upon.

B       It is my role to keep everything together, no matter what price I have to pay.

B       This is the way things are supposed to be.

B       I can never win in the situation I am in, but I can't leave it.

B       I must find a way to pay back those who hurt me.

B       I never get angry; I just get revenge.

B       My behavior is healthy, OK, but misunderstood by others.

B       The louder I complain, the greater the chances of being heard.

!         Do not take the action required to resolve their problems because they suffer from the irrational fear of:

B       letting go

B       taking a risk

B       feeling guilty

B       being blamed for the problem

B       being seen as the real problem

B       being ignored in the future

B       being happy, peaceful, or content

B       change

B       loss of approval

B       losing the person(s) who are taking advantage of or abusing them

!         Lack knowledge of assertiveness and may be either extremely passive or overly aggressive with their antagonists.

!         Have exhausted all of their outlets of ``helpers''

!         Find ``helpers'' hesitant offer assistance; the resistance and ``yes, Y but'' statements are too much.

!         Manipulate their helpers. At first they are cooperative, open, verbal, and apparently honest in their assessment of their problems. However, once an objective helper begins to point out the martyr's contribution to the problem, they feign newer, bigger, and more complex problems to keep the helper's focus off of them.

 

IV. Steps to help you decide if you are a victim or a martyr and how to change your behavior