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I. What is a fantasy relationship?

A fantasy relationship is:

·        One that exists solely in your imagination, as an ideal relationship for you.

·        One you prefer to relate to, describe, and require of those in relationships with you; however, the fantasy level of expectation is seldom met.

·        An unrealistic, unattainable entity you require others to meet in order for you to feel happy, content, and satisfied.

·        An escape, a sanctuary, and a refuge to which your mind can flee when you have problems, conflicts, or disappointments in a relationship.

·        Sometimes used to berate your current partner if your partner does not live up to the standards of your fantasy (even though you alone know those standards).

·        One used as a barometer or yardstick by which your current relationship is measured. Because the fantasy is so out of reach, the measurement given back is usually negative.

·        A daydream created because you are experiencing a painful, abusive, or neglectful relationship. By escaping into fantasy you avoid dealing with the problems. The tasks necessary to bring the relationship into reality are avoided.

·        More active in your subconscious than in your conscious mind. You may not be aware that it exists, yet it is used as if you were conscious of it as you measure your current relationship. It can be the root of your unhappiness with your real relationship.

·        A three-dimensional reality when you meet a person who matches some or all of your criteria for the fantasy. The object of your fantasy may enter a clandestine relationship of the mind, heart, or flesh (especially if you are married). This fantasy (or affair of mind, heart, or flesh) makes you acutely aware of how inadequate your current relationship is; even though the new person is neither attainable nor is there a future for the relationship.

·        An emotional block, intellectual barrier, or the actual immobilizer that keeps you from becoming committed to working out your current relationship(s).

·        Do you blame your partner for real or imagined negligence?

·        Is your partner giving you feedback that you are constantly giving double messages, “damned if you do and damned if you don't” ultimatums, saying one thing and meaning another?

·        Are you chronically daydreaming about the way things “should be” in the relationship?

·        Do you have a tendency to fly off the handle with every little annoying thing your partner does?

·        Do you put your partner in the witness box as the defendant and become a prosecuting attorney asking leading, probing, demanding questions unmercifully?

·        Are you chronically unhappy, depressed, and discouraged whenever you are in your partner's presence even when your partner is committed to trying to work things out with you?

·        Are you finding it difficult to let go of the past mistakes, hurts, and misdeeds of your partner? Are you unable to forgive and forget?

·        Do you resent having to repeat your wants, needs, and expectations for the relationship to your partner because you think your partner should already know and be aware of them?

·        Do you seem to discount or ignore the small efforts at change made by your partner on behalf of the relationship?

·        Just when you think you and your partner are going to make it do you find yourself slipping back or relapsing into angry outbursts and recriminations concerning a minor infraction or error, overreacting?

If you answered “yes” to one or more of the above questions, a fantasy relationship may be the root of your relationship problems.

III. What beliefs indicate that a fantasy relationship is present?

·        There is only one kind of person I'm meant to be with.

·        No one can ever meet or come up to my standards.

·        No one can understand what I want in a relationship. I am always misunderstood.

·        Most people are incapable of giving and receiving love.

·        No matter how hard I try, I am never able to find the perfect mate.

·        I am continuously disappointed by the men (women) who come into my life.

·        No matter how many changes she/he makes, she/he will never be able to make me fully happy.

·        I love my partner but she/he is just not made for me.

·        I've worked hard at this relationship, and I do not believe that my partner has put as much effort into it.

·        I've tried and tried to accept my partner the way she/he is, yet I am not turned on emotionally.

·        I believe that we have irreconcilable differences.

·        She/he should know what I need in this relationship.

·        I can never forgive my partner for what was done to me in the past.

·        It makes me so uncomfortable to be in the presence of my partner.

·        Why can't my partner understand what I am talking about?

·        Everything my partner does bugs me.

·        She/he must do these things intentionally just to hurt or bother me.

·        She/he never follows through on what I've asked her/him to do for me.

·        It is unsatisfying and unfulfilling to me to continue in this relationship.

·        No matter how hard my partner tries, she/he will never be what I need in a relationship.

IV. What negative consequences can being unable to handle a fantasy relationship lead to?

If you do not handle your fantasy relationship by converting your expectations, ideals, and dreams into a the image of a realistic, healthy relationship you run the risk of:

·         Chronic depression

·         Inability to get into a lasting relationship

·         Inability to make a commitment to anyone in a relationship

·         One or more divorces

·         Relationships ending prematurely

·         Inability to let go of blaming the other

·         Inability to create a healing environment with your partner

·         Poor communication with your partner

·         Competition in your relationship

·         Chronic conflict, disagreements, and fights

·         Power struggle for control in your relationship

·         Lack of intimacy in your relationship

·         You and/or your partner becoming troubled persons in need of professional help

·         Emotional problems for you and/or your partner

·         Inability to accept your partner for who she/he is

·         Inability to have confidence in your ability to sustain a relationship

·         Stereotyping all members of the opposite sex or even the same sex.

·         Loss of trust in your partner

·         Chronic sense of insecurity

·         Inability to take a risk

·         Inability to overcome your fear of entering a relationship

(3)    Review the written description of your fantasy relationship. Record those items that make you resistant to working out your problems with your significant other. For each of these items write an aspect of your significant other in a second column relating to the item you have difficulty accepting.

(4)    Quickly list all of the positive aspects that attracted you and still attract you to your partner. List the good points, qualities, attributes, talents, and positive characteristics. In reviewing this list, what makes you resistant to working out a healthy relationship?

(5)    In reviewing your resistance to the acceptance your significant other as she/he really is, and in reviewing how you are more willing to opt or hold out for the fantasy relationship, ask yourself the following questions:

(a)     Why is it so impossible to accept a person who does not fit into my ideal?

(b)    Why am I so adamant and determined that it must be my way or no way at all?

(c)     How willing am I to let God lead me to the acceptance of reality in life instead of fantasy?

(d)    How much of my problem is related to my inability to let go and let God lead me? What is blocking my faith, trust, and hope in God to lead me wisely?

(e)     How much of my problem is related to my stubborn belief that I alone know what's best for me, and that others, even God, had better butt out of my business?

(6)    Proceed to visualize the relationship with your significant other for thirty minutes. Look at it with a rational, positive, healthy, realistic, spiritual, and accepting attitude. Then fully describe your current relationship with a realistic appraisal of what is good and positive in it and what needs to be changed or altered so it can be nurtured into an ongoing, healthy relationship. Once you have recorded this description, spend another thirty minutes visualizing the relationship five years from now as a healthy, mutually supportive. Return to your written description and polish it up with items indicating a letting go of the past and letting God lead you both into the future.

Step 5:    Can you agree on a five year play toward developing a healthy, prosperous relationship? If not, return to Step 1 and repeat the steps, sharing answers and descriptions.