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Event:

Loss involved:

Having an “abnormal” childhood

Loss of the childlike experiences due to the need to grow up too soon, taking on an adult role prematurely.

Living in an “abnormal” family

Inability to achieve their fantasy or the dream expectation of ”norma” family life while in their family of origin.

Being unable to make it better in a new family

Loss of the expectation or desire for things to be better in the new nuclear family than they were in the family of origin; destructive patterns emerge.

Having an unhappy, nonproductive marriage

Loss of the expectation of a happy, “normal” marriage when they confront the realities of the present marriage.

Having other than “normal,” healthy children

Loss of the expectation of having children who are going to be better off than they were. When their children have ill health, a developmental disability, or have emotional or behavior problems, they grieve even more.

Death of a spouse or child

Loss of the loved one who was going to help them make their life better.

Death of a parent

Losing the chance to make it right and get close to parent. Continued feelings of neglect, hurt, of not being “good enough” to get parent's attention, recognition, approval.

Divorce

Loss of the “ideal” marriage that was going to make things better. Loss of the idea of a lifelong partner.

Financial troubles

Loss of self-respect. Belief that one should provide financial security for self, spouse, and family is shattered.

Loss of job, failure of private business or failure in school

Loss of trust in self and others. Belief that one should provide a source of financial security or high grade point average for family is shattered.

Realization that stressful families of origin influence their current behavior

Loss of comfort in memories of the past. Thoughts of the past become colored with the realities of delusion and denial present in families of origin.

Confrontation of addictive behavior in their lives (e.g., alcohol, drugs, gambling, food, shopping, sex)

Loss of ability to hide behind the denial and delusion that things in their lives were “normal.”  Destructive patterns become clear.

Entering a treatment or rehabilitation program

Loss of privacy, loss of being able to continue with nonconfronted denial, repression, or delusional behavior.

A family member enters a treatment program and responds

Loss of expectation of problem behavior of person as being “normal” or characteristic of the person; loss of predictability of the person's behavior. Realization that family “secrets” are out.

Occurrence of natural disaster or accident

Loss of property, health, and security in things, people, or life.

Physical or mental illness in family

Loss of expectation of natural course of events for self and others. Family life turned upside down.

Lack of recognition for accomplishments on the job, at school or in the community

Loss of belief in their own self-worth and loss of incentive to continue trying. Reinforcement of the feeling that no matter what they do, it is not “good enough.”

Realizing their loss of productivity on the job as they grow older

Loss of self-worth and meaning based on the belief that their worth is built solely upon what they do on the job or for others.

Older children move out of the house

The “empty nest” is a sign of their no longer being needed, and they lose the “meaning” gained for themselves by rearing their children.

Retirement

Loss of self-worth and meaning of life based on their “work,” which was their sole identity.