jamesjmessina.com

I. What are my self-destructive responses to anger?

I engage in the following self-destructive responses, which increase in frequency based on my level of anger. I need to rate each response by circling the degree to which it is true for me.

            1 = never

            2 = rarely

            3 = sometimes

            4 = often

            5 = almost always

1  2  3  4  5  (  1)    overuse of alcohol

1  2  3  4  5  (  2)    overuse of nonprescription drugs

1  2  3  4  5  (  3)    overuse of prescription drugs

1  2  3  4  5  (  4)    shoplifting

1  2  3  4  5  (  5)    petty theft from my employer

1  2  3  4  5  (  6)    illegal acts of revenge on my enemies

1  2  3  4  5  (  7)    compulsive gambling

1  2  3  4  5  (  8)    compulsive overeating or binging

1  2  3  4  5  (  9)    binging and purging

1  2  3  4  5  ( 10)   anorexia

1  2  3  4  5  ( 11)   compulsive exercising

1  2  3  4  5  ( 12)   compulsive shopping

1  2  3  4  5  ( 13)   overuse of credit cards

1  2  3  4  5  ( 14)   compulsive drive to acquire material goods

1  2  3  4  5  ( 15)   putting myself down in public

1  2  3  4  5  ( 16)   setting myself up for failure

1  2  3  4  5  ( 17)   unwillingness to play the political survival game on the job

1  2  3  4  5  ( 18)   ignoring authority directives

1  2  3  4  5  ( 19)   direct disobedience of authority directives

1  2  3  4  5  ( 20)   insubordination on the job

1  2  3  4  5  ( 21)   arriving late to work or school

1  2  3  4  5  ( 22)   excessive absenteeism

1  2  3  4  5  ( 23)   playing hookey or skipping required work and/or functions

1  2  3  4  5  ( 24)   ignoring personal hygiene

1  2  3  4  5  ( 25)   dressing in such a way as to hide my beauty or sexuality

1  2  3  4  5  ( 26)   jumping to negative assumptions about motives when people show an interest in me

1  2  3  4  5  ( 27)   feeling like a loser even when I wasn't

1  2  3  4  5  ( 28)   ignoring the “yes'' messages in my life

1  2  3  4  5  ( 29)   workaholism

1  2  3  4  5  ( 30)   compulsive need for recognition or approval

1  2  3  4  5  ( 31)   need for perfection

1  2  3  4  5  ( 32)   compulsive need to look good

1  2  3  4  5  ( 33)   fear of taking a risk

1  2  3  4  5  ( 34)   unwilling to take a stand

1  2  3  4  5  ( 35)   keeping silent; not letting others know how I feel

1  2  3  4  5  ( 36)   compulsive sexual acting out

1  2  3  4  5  ( 37)   excessive masturbation

1  2  3  4  5  ( 38)   participation in aberrant sexual practices

1  2  3  4  5  ( 39)   self-pity parties

1  2  3  4  5  ( 40)   constant focusing on how awful my life has turned out

1  2  3  4  5  ( 41)   inability to find my “pony'' in anything, i.e., chronic pessimism

1  2  3  4  5  ( 42)   arguments or fights with people

1  2  3  4  5  ( 43)   complaining

1  2  3  4  5  ( 44)   holding a grudge; the desire for revenge

1  2  3  4  5  ( 45)   having a chip on my shoulder

1  2  3  4  5  ( 46)   being overly sensitive to the remarks of others

1  2  3  4  5  ( 47)   excessive cleanliness or tidiness

1  2  3  4  5  ( 48)   chronic nagging

1  2  3  4  5  ( 49)   exaggerated task-oriented behavior rather than people-oriented

1  2  3  4  5  ( 50)   never giving people a chance to be my support

1  2  3  4  5  ( 51)   being a loner

1  2  3  4  5  ( 52)   playing it safe when I am with people

1  2  3  4  5  ( 53)   avoiding any chance of rejection

1  2  3  4  5  ( 54)   rejecting others before they reject me

1  2  3  4  5  ( 55)   excessive need for excitement

1  2  3  4  5  ( 56)   “management by crisis'' approach to life

1  2  3  4  5  ( 57)   setting up situations to ensure a constant state of crisis

1  2  3  4  5  ( 58)   need for the adrenalin “rush'' I get when solving “big'' problems

1  2  3  4  5  ( 59)   lack of time management skills

1  2  3  4  5  ( 60)   procrastination

1  2  3  4  5  ( 61)   lack of preventive orientation

1  2  3  4  5  ( 62)   holding onto denial of my problems

1  2  3  4  5  ( 63)   unwillingness for change to occur

1  2  3  4  5  ( 64)   lack of honesty about who I am and how I feel

1  2  3  4  5  ( 65)   preferring to lie than the hard work of being honest

1  2  3  4  5  ( 66)   unwillingness to trust anyone

1  2  3  4  5  ( 67)   close-minded to new ideas

1  2  3  4  5  ( 68)   obstinate holding on to ``the way it was always done'' or ``the way it was''

1  2  3  4  5  ( 69)   daydreaming or escaping into fantasy

1  2  3  4  5  ( 70)   diverting attention from the issues at hand that need to be dealt with

1  2  3  4  5  ( 71)   wearing masks to hide my feelings

1  2  3  4  5  ( 72)   ignoring what's good for me and what I need

1  2  3  4  5  ( 73)   not applying myself on the job, at home, or in my personal life

1  2  3  4  5  ( 74)   giving others the power to intimidate me

1  2  3  4  5  ( 75)   unwilling to defend my rights assertively

1  2  3  4  5  ( 76)   excessive TV watching

1  2  3  4  5  ( 77)   excessive sleeping or napping

1  2  3  4  5  ( 78)   excessive involvement in time demanding activities, activities that help me avoid the realities of life

1  2  3  4  5  ( 79)   being irresponsible with my life

1  2  3  4  5  ( 80)   yoyo dieting (losing and quickly regaining weight)

1  2  3  4  5  ( 81)   smoking (legal and/or illegal substances)

1  2  3  4  5  ( 82)   eating unbalanced meals

1  2  3  4  5  ( 83)   not caring for my health

1  2  3  4  5  ( 84)   not wearing seat belts

1  2  3  4  5  ( 85)   driving carelessly

1  2  3  4  5  ( 86)   driving over the speed limit

1  2  3  4  5  ( 87)   engaging in risky or dangerous activities

1  2  3  4  5  ( 88)   having suicidal thoughts

1  2  3  4  5  ( 89)   acting on suicidal impulses

1  2  3  4  5  ( 90)   ignoring the warning signs or symptoms of an illness; not getting proper medical attention

1  2  3  4  5  ( 91)   inflicting injury and pain on myself

1  2  3  4  5  ( 92)   encouraging or allowing others to abuse me physically, emotionally, verbally, or sexually

1  2  3  4  5  ( 93)   not defending myself in the face of a violent attack

1  2  3  4  5  ( 94)   lying about my skills or competence in order to get ahead

1  2  3  4  5  ( 95)   ignoring my feelings in a relationship

1  2  3  4  5  ( 96)   sacrificing myself for the sake of others

1  2  3  4  5  ( 97)   allowing others to take advantage of me

1  2  3  4  5  ( 98)   putting others first, myself last

1  2  3  4  5  ( 99)   allowing myself to be the victim

1  2  3  4  5  (100) not working on my self-growth and self-esteem enhancement program for personal recovery and healing

• experience depression
• become pessimistic
• feel resentment
• want to get revenge
• end up with a chip on my shoulder
• hold grudges
• wear masks to hide my feelings
• feel bitter and disappointed
• feel powerless to get what I need
• feel like giving up

• guilty for my rage
• remorse for hurting others
• embarrassed by my behavior
• disappointed in myself
• like a loser or a failure
• ignored and unwanted
• repentant but unforgiven for my actions
• afraid to let my anger out again
• like I should be punished in some way
• that my life is not worth living

III. What are typical characteristics of a self-destructive response to anger?

When I have acted in a self destructive way regarding anger it is:

• almost always at a subconscious level; I'm unaware of the self-destructive nature of my behavior.
• defeating my personal growth
• a means of sabotaging my growth
• often not clearly connected with the object(s) of my anger
• something I would usually deny as a response to my anger
• a behavior of mine about which I would rather lie than face honestly
• often at the root of my resistance to mature change and growth
• something I hold onto; I can't let go of it easily
• based on my irrational thinking and belief system
• often in direct opposition to the values I profess to uphold
• a paradox that is hard for me to explain
• a habit that has developed over time and is resistant to change
• a behavior I saw in my parents and other members of my family of origin
• often the behavior that ultimately led me to seek out professional help
• something that reduces my self-esteem

IV. What irrational thinking leads to my self-destructive anger responses?

• I am a loser, a failure.
• No matter what I do things will never change.
• This behavior has nothing to do with the way I handle anger.
• A little self-pity is just what the doctor ordered.
• Being a little self-indulgent is healthy. Anyway it's just this one time.
• My life is already a wreck; how could this hurt.
• No one will ever like me, want me, or love me for myself.
• Everyone is out to get me; I have to accept this fact.
• No matter what I do it will never be “good'' enough.
• I can't deal with that problem; I'm too ashamed to fact it.
• It's better to stuff my anger; it's cosmetic and clean.
• Don't bring up a problem from the past if it hurts too much to face it.
• I've gone this long without dealing with it, so let sleeping dogs lie.
• I'd rather stay to myself than be hurt again.
• I have to do it all on my own or it won't be fully corrected.
• Unless I can do it perfectly I won't do it at all.
• I don't need people to help me with my problems.
• It's better not to be too analytical with my own behavior; why create “new'' problems for myself.
• What others call self-destructive, I refer to as “having fun.''
• Everyone needs a little excess in life; we're only human.
• Live life to the fullest and party hearty; life is too short not to enjoy it.
• The only way to have fun is to let it all hang out.
• No matter what I try, I can't stop those behaviors.
• This behavior is what makes me unique, why change? 
• My behavior isn't "slow suicide," it's just variations on a life-style.
• How else are you supposed to “blow off'' steam?
• This behavior is painless, victimless, and doesn't cost a cent.
• It's not like I murder people with my behavior.
  

V. What are the negative consequences of engaging in self-destructive anger responses?

When I resort to a self-destructive response to anger, I:

• get stuck in my efforts to change and grow
• experience more pain and suffering
• find that my growth is diminished or lost
• find myself going backward rather than progressing in life.
• feel irresponsible, flippant, and careless.
• get confused by the differences between my beliefs and my behavior.
• remain both mentally and physically ill.
• am prone to a greater risk for panic attacks or other stress-induced illnesses.
• find the direction of my life out of focus, nothing is in place.
• give power to people, places, and things.
• resort to addictive or obsessive behavior.
• revert to the old scripts, the old ways of dealing with anger in my family of origin.
• find my anger does not dissipate.
  

VI. How can I rid myself of self-destructive responses to anger?

A. Identify each specific behavior, attitude, or feeling that is self-destructive.

B. Try to identify the anger at the root of each self-destructive response.

C. Define the anger at the root of each self-destructive response by listing in my journal:

                     1.    the persons involved:

                     2.    the events involved:

                     3.    why it angers me:

                      4.   how it affects me both then and now:

                      5.   why this anger has so much power over me now:

                      6.   what resentment, revenge, hatred, or rage is involved:

                      7.   how I originally handled this anger:

                      8.   why I haven't dealt completely with this anger yet:

                      9.   what irrational thinking causes me to act this way:

                     10.  what healthy responses to this anger could I substitute:

D.  Perform anger work-outs on each issue until I am able to let go of the anger, forgive those involved, and forget the events.

E.        1.      Begin to extinguish each self-destructive behavior by:

            2.      asking my spouse or significant other to help me stop this behavior.

            3.      asking for care and concern from the members of my support network.

            4.      joining a twelve-step program.

F. Develop a new set of behavior traits to replace the self-destructive responses to anger, including:

1.    the use of assertive "I feel'' statements with people as soon as I feel anger starting.

2.    the use of health oriented activities for anxiety, tension, and stress release, like physical exercise or progressive muscle relaxation

3.    the use of an internal monitoring system to trigger an alarm when I slip into self-destructive behavior.

4.    use of self-esteem enhancing behavior like self-affirmation, positive visual imagery, and self-hypnosis.

VII. Steps to overcoming self-destructive responses to anger:

Step 1: I need to identify each self-destructive behavior I use as a response to anger. To do this I will rate each of the one hundred behavior traits listed in Section I as to how they impact my life.

Step 2: For every behavior to which I've given a rating of 3 or higher, I will use the steps outlined in Section VI.

Step 3: Once I've completed Section VI for each self-destructive behavior, I need to do a self-inventory to see if I've accomplished my goal.

Step 4: If after my self-inventory I find I'm still acting in self-destructive ways then I need to return to Step 1, and begin again.