| Handling Hostility, Sarcasm and Cynicism |
Chapter 4: Handling Hostility, Sarcasm and Cynicism Tools for Anger Work-Out
By: James J. Messina, Ph.D.
|
I. What is hostility?
When I am hostile I am:
· sarcastic, filled with bitter humor.
· biting and acerbic in my criticism of others.
· cynical and unmoved.
· suspicious and often unlikable.
· defensive, paranoid, and self?protective.
· untrusting and disbelieving in others.
· "self-focused" rather than "other focused."
· lacking in tolerance for the behaviors of others.
· turned off to others concern, caring, or nurturing.
· blinded by my own self?absorption.
· bitter over real or imagined negative treatment I've received from others, past or current.
· sour on life.
· quick to attack others for their real or imagined faults and failings.
· inwardly outraged over the unfairness of life.
· quick to believe that nothing good is happening in my life.
· unable to see the redeeming graces or features in people, places, or things.
· hiding behind a wall or shield, unwilling to allow others into my life.
· disagreeable, filled with the "yes, but" attitude.
· ready for a fight or argument.
· antagonistic in my attitude towards others.
· a bomb ready to be detonated.
· setting myself up to be abused, rejected, disapproved, or unloved.
· fulfilling the prophecy that "others do not care about me" by turning them off without giving them a chance.
|
II. How does hostility affect me physically? Emotionally?
A. Hostility can result in physical experiences of:
· tightness in my chest.
· throbbing in my heart.
· warm blush in my face.
· profusive sweating.
· high blood pressure.
· tightness in my jaw.
· churning in my stomach.
· constipation or diarrhea.
· coldness in my hands and/or feet.
· tenseness in my forehead.
· tension headaches.
· pounding in my temples.
· profound exhaustion.
B. Hostility can result in emotional experiences of:
· fear and confusion regarding the reactions and opinions of others.
· disinterest in the feelings of others.
· wanting to have attention drawn to me.
· wanting to be given sympathy.
· self-pity.
· being lost and unclear about the direction my life is taking.
· feeling cheated in life.
· feeling betrayed, unsupported, and uncared for.
· desiring revenge or personal vindication.
· being unable to forgive or forget the real or imagined hurts.
· lacking generosity or goodwill for others.
· needing to protect myself at any price.
· wanting to attack before I am attacked.
· lacking enthusiasm for personal growth activities.
· bitterness about the status of my life, both emotionally and materially.
· the futility of life.
· submitting to negative beliefs, like "life's a bitch and then you die."
· hopelessness and a bleak outlook for the future.
|
III. Why am I hostile?
Hostility is aroused in me when I
· consider all the inequities of life.
· realize the perversity of people, business, or politics.
· consider the offensive treatment I received in my family of origin.
· review all the real or imagined failures in my life.
· see wicked people get ahead in life.
· perceive that I am being or have been treated unfairly.
· find that my efforts toward self-improvement have reached a plateau.
· realize that I will need to exert increased efforts to attain my goal.
· blame others for keeping me from success in life.
· recognize that things over which I have no control prevent me from experiencing the good things in life.
· feel coerced, forced, or cajoled into doing something I really don't want to do.
· feel like I am being backed into a corner.
· realize that I am the target of someone else's efforts to change or alter my behavior.
· am reminded of things I've said or asked for in the past, which I no longer believe in or want to pursue.
· realize that what others are telling me is correct, but I stubbornly hold onto my negative beliefs because they allow me my self?pity.
· am being interrupted in the midst of my "pity party."
· someone challenges my negative or critical viewpoint.
· someone offers a more promising, optimistic point of view.
· recognize that as a human being I am subject to making mistakes and experiencing failure.
· recognize that the human condition brings with it pain, suffering, and death.
· realize that I am an imperfect mortal.
· can't get others to share my high expectations for work or community performance.
· made aware of the tragedy, travails, and hardship we are confronted with daily.
· fear that I will never be able to accomplish my lifelong dreams because of things out of my control.
· feel cheated because after a life of hard work, honest, and clean living I am suffering a major setback in my life.
· recognize that coming from a dysfunctional family got me off on the wrong foot.
· am confronted about my backsliding or relapsing by those who care about and support me.
· when my personal problems are outlined for me in a behavioral intervention by the people who love me.
· experience chronic rejection, disapproval, or disinterest at the hands of those with whom I desire a closer relationship.
· see my dreams slipping more and more out of my reach.
· realize how unfulfilled and unaccomplished I really am.
· see how much more work, energy, and effort I need to exert to attain even a slight degree of personal growth.
· am confronted with the need to give up my addictive behavior, i.e., alcohol, drugs, sex, food, gambling, shopping, smoking, etc.
· feel lost or out of focus in my life.
· feel the song, Is That All There Is, applies to my life.
|
IV. What irrational beliefs arouse my hostility?
· No matter how hard I try, I'll not reach my goals of success and happiness.
· Why should I always be the one who is giving, caring, and forgiving, in my life?
· I should be rewarded for my good deeds, hard work, and sense of fair play.
· I shouldn't have to suffer all this disappointment, pain, and suffering.
· The good should always win out over the bad in life.
· I should be treated fairly by others in my life.
· There isn't anything that I should be unable to overcome in my life.
· If I had education, good looks, and money things would come easily for me.
· Evil, rotten, and unfair people should have to suffer in life, not me!
· There should come a time when I no longer need to exert all this effort and energy to get ahead.
· I should be rewarded for all of the suffering, turmoil, tragedy, and misfortune I have experienced.
· Others should be supportive of my desire for self-improvement.
· I shouldn't have to suffer confrontation when I am backsliding or relapsing. I deserve a break!
· Others should treat me gently when they are giving me their support, caring, and nurturing.
· There should be no injustice, suffering, or tragedy in life.
· I should be able to live the way I want for as long as I can with no pestering from others to change or reform.
· No one is going to tell me how to live and enjoy life.
· People should do what I say, not what I do.
· People should give me what I want, not what I ask for.
· Why can't things go my way?
· No matter how hard I work and try, I never seem to get ahead.
· Life's a bitch and then you die.
· Evil always wins out in the end. The good guy finishes last!
· No one would like me the way I really am, so I'll reject them before they reject me.
· I should be able to live forever.
· I should be able to be successful, rich, and healthy with little or no effort on my part.
· I shouldn't have to make sacrifices or experience self-deprivation in order to achieve the things I want.
· My parents should have given me a better start in life.
|
V. What are the negative effects of my hostility?
Because of my hostility, sarcasm, and cynicism, I find that:
· people seek me out infrequently.
· it is hard to sustain friendships and close, lasting relationships.
· there is less enjoyment in my work, play, and life in general.
· I am not sought out to be a support person in someone elses' life.
· my philosophy of life is open to criticism and attack.
· I am a ready target for personal attacks.
· I am often misunderstood.
· I often feel ignored, invisible.
· I lack motivation in my desire for personal growth, recovery, and wellness.
· I feel cheated by life and feel a need to get revenge.
· I hurt others' feelings, then can't understand why they feel hurt.
· I become an open target for abuse, negative confrontation, and criticism from the others in my life.
· I tend to seek out others who are at least equally hostile, sarcastic, and cynical to feel good about myself.
· I look down on those who are making an honest, concerted effort toward their own self-improvement.
· I am caught up in a cycle of self-fulfilling prophecies of self-failure, self-defeat, rejection, disapproval, and lack of personal success.
|
VI. How can I overcome my hostility?
In order to overcome my hostility, sarcasm, and cynicism, I need to:
· rethink my philosophy of life.
· make an honest inventory of my behavior toward others.
· analyze the effects of my hostile behavior on me and on others.
· develop a set of rational beliefs about the realities of being a mortal being in the human condition.
· become less "cause" oriented in my view of life.
· recognize that the underdog can be successful if that person takes control of his own life and stop wasting energy blaming others or engaging in self-pity.
· give permission to the support people in my life to give me honest feedback and confrontation when I am being unfaithful to my program of recovery.
· recognize that I can control only myself and my reactions.
· abandon the struggle to control things and people out of my control.
· recognize that most of my hostility, sarcasm, and cynicism is a control-related problem, namely my being unwilling to let go of the need to control.
|
VII. Steps to handling hostility, sarcasm, and cynicism:
Step 1: To overcome my hostility, sarcasm, and cynicism, I must admit that this is a problem for me. To do this, I need to review the following questions in my journal:
A. Which of the characteristics of hostility, sarcasm, and cynicism listed in Section I apply directly to my behavior?
B. What side?effects do I experience when I am hostile?
C. What are the emotional effects of my hostility?
D. What are the negative consequences of my hostility?
E. What irrational beliefs lead to my hostility?
F. What are the causes of my hostility?
G. How big a problem is my current hostility:
(1) on the job?
(2) at home?
(3) in my marriage?
(4) in my friendships?
(5) with my health?
(6) with my ability to gain full personal recovery?
H. What keeps me from accepting my hostility as a problem?
I. What further proof will convince me that hostility is a problem for me?
J. What does the fact of admitting that my hostility is a problem mean about my ability to be honest in my self?assessment?
Step 2: Once I have admitted that hostility is a problem for me, I need to inventory my philosophy of life.
Personal Philosophy of Life
A. My philosophy of life is based on:
B Are these beliefs irrational? If they are, what rational beliefs could replace them?
My current beliefs: My replacement beliefs:
C. What "causes'' in the world, the nation and my community do I feel strongly? How do these causes influence my attitude about life? What new strategies could I develop to address these causes? How can I be less hostile, sarcastic, or cynical about life?
D. How can I promote the ``underdog'' without feeling the need to take control?
E. What beliefs about controlling the uncontrollable elements of life do I need to develop?
F. Once I've analyzed this philosophy of life I'll record my new philosophy in my journal.
Step 3: With a new, less hostile, less sarcastic, and less cynical philosophy of life, I need to integrate the new rational beliefs into my emotional responses.
A. How open am I to changing the way I view inequities of life?
B. Am I ready to hand over the responsibility of control to others? How detached from others can I be?
C. What emotional responses would be healthy for me when I see suffering, hurt, pain, and failure in others?
D. When I experience a set back, failure, or loss, what emotional response do I need to evoke in myself to keep from relapsing into my old hostility, sarcasm and cynicism?
E. What other emotional responses could I develop to handle my hostile, sarcastic, or cynical behavior?
Step 4: Once I have integrated the new emotional responses into my belief system I need to change my behavior to reduce my hostility, sarcasm, and cynicism.
A. What new behavior patterns could I develop to reflect my amiable, approving, and confident self?
B. How can I give to my network of supporters permission to confront me when I slip into my old behavior patterns?
C. How can I reinforce the increase and sustaining of these new behaviors? What cues would catch my attention?
D. How can I reflect my new found belief that I must accept that I am unable to control the uncontrollables in life and that this fact is OK with me?
E. How can I measure my success in achieving a change in my hostile behavior?
F. Will people always give me the chance to change from my old, hostile ways? How will patience and understanding help to keep me on track?
G. My amiable, approving, confident behavior will include:
Step 5: Now that I have (a) realized the need for a less hostile philosophy of life and (b) integrated my new emotional responses to reality, and (c) identified a set of new behavior traits to overcome this hostility. I will assess the status of my hostility, sarcasm, and cynicism. If I still feel the negative effects of hostility, I will return to Section VII, Step 1, and begin again.
|
|