jamesjmessina.com

At SEA

James J Messina Ph.D.

Fourth: Individual and/ or couple counseling 

Many of you will need to engage a professional counselor to assist you to begin your life-long process of recovery. This initial counseling will assist you to get a "running start" on your personal healing. This is your opportunity to meet with your counselor to address the specific issues in your life which will help you to get on the wagon of recovery. The work in counseling is all yours. The counselor is there merely as a facilitator and/or coach to help identify for you the unhealthy, irrational, and non-reality-based thoughts, emotions, and actions which have caused you problems and keep you from progressing in recovery. Use the time with your counselor well. Do not limit your efforts at recovery only to this meeting with the counselor. Be sure you are doing the other SEA's Recovery Program activities and sharing with your counselor what you are learning through these SEA's related activities.

Fifth: Attendance at weekly peer support or 12 step group meeting 

This is your opportunity to monitor your progress in a group based on the twelve steps of recovery in the SEA's program. It takes four to six weeks to be comfortable at any peer support meeting. It is often difficult to enter a group which is already formed and not feel like an "outsider.'' Remember, everyone at these meetings is experiencing the same issues as you are so relax, listen, and watch. In time you will want to seek out some of these people as Buddies at SEA so ask for their telephone numbers and record them in a Directory. By weekly attendance at the meeting and reviewing your weekly progress, you are putting yourself on the line to become responsible and accountable for your own recovery efforts, growth, and rate of progress.  

The behavioral consequences of low self-esteem often are compulsive or addictive behaviors. If this is so, you may need to go to AA, NA, OA, or GA. Also, if you are a codependent or adult child of an alcoholic, CODA or ACOA might be needed. If you have experienced a loss, chronic illness or disability, you might need a self-help group focused on that issue. Support groups provide you "peers'' to listen to and understand your feelings on the specific issue. Use these groups to help you validate your SEA's recovery experiences.  

Sixth: Reading other related self-help materials 

In order to broaden your perspective and validate and support your efforts in the SEA's Recovery Program, you are encouraged to read books and articles on Self-Esteem, Codependency, Adult Children of Dysfunctional Families or Alcoholics, Rational Emotive Therapy, Transactional Analysis, or any of the popular "Self-Help'' books and materials on the market or internet today. These readings will give you an alternative style from the Tools for Coping model to help stimulate change in your thoughts, emotions, and actions. As you read, be sure to record (in your recovery journal) your emotional response and insights gained.

Seventh: Maintain regular contact with Buddies at SEA's 

As a person recovering from low self-esteem, you are probably hesitant to reach out to others for support in dealing with your problems, concerns, and issues. To make the SEA's Recovery Program work for you, however, you need to reach out to your Buddies at SEA to listen to and support you in your struggles to gain self-control and serenity. Try to establish a Buddy relationship with at least two to four people in your support groups, 12 step group, or therapy groups. Call these buddies during the week for a mutual give and take of support. Call your Buddy "on it'' if advice giving or analysis is used instead of listening for feelings. A Buddy relationship needs to be a two-way street to explore all of the issues in the SEA's program. Buddies need to use one another as mirrors to monitor growth and change in thoughts, feelings, and actions. Buddies make excellent explorers of the wonders of living. You can play and have fun with your Buddies, as you jointly open yourselves to your "inner children.''  

Your family members, spouse, friends, colleagues at work and other community associates are a source of social support for you. These people can become Buddies at SEA for you as well as you journey through your recovery. You need to educate these people in the principles of giving and receiving the unconditional acceptance, love and support you need to be successful in the SEA's program. Use your support network to broaden your base of support to ensure your healthy growth in all other domains of your life.

Tips for Planning Your Personal SEA's Recovery Program

To help to get the minimum requirements of the Recovery Program in your schedule, here are a few time-management tips.  

Tip 1:     Use time when you are driving in a car, waiting for an ``on hold'' call, taking a bath or shower, exercising, or having a meal by yourself as time when you can reflect on tape or in the journal or do some of the recovery systems.  

Tip 2: Use exercise time as a release time for ANGER and LET GO issues.  

Tip 3: Use time with your family or children as time of CHILD and LET GO work.  

Tip 4: Add a half hour of "alone time'' to your daily schedule to ensure you have time for recovery work.  

Tip 5: Take lunches alone to do journal recording, reading, or recovery system work.  

Tip 6: Block times on weekends for "recovery'' work which might mean taking an extra hour or two from your weekend "beauty sleep.''  

Tip 7: Block times for recovery work in your daily calendar and commit to it as if it were your business or job.  

Tip 8: Ask the assistance of others in your life to help you stay on schedule to ensure your have a balance in your life of the following times: work time, couple time, family time, exercise time, alone time, fun time, spiritual growth time, recovery time, sleep and relaxation.  

Tip 9: Get to your peer support meeting one half hour early to spend time with a Buddy or have dinner (or lunch) with a Buddy the day of the meeting. Use lunch or breakfast to connect with Buddies during the week.  

Tip 10: Use a portable tape recorder as your journal keeping tool so as to be able to record your thoughts and feelings as you are driving, eating, exercising, walking, or idle at work.  

Recovery Self-Talk Affirmation Scripts 

In order to help plan your recovery program , you need positive self-talk affirmations for your efforts. Use the following self-talk affirmation scripts to help sustain your motivation to work on your recovery program. Put them on 3 by 5 cards in your office, home, car, computer, etc. Use them as reminders that you deserve to be a healthy person with rational thoughts, emotions and actions.

A.    Recovery is a seven-day-a-week effort.

B.    I am responsible for my own recovery.

C.    I can do whatever it takes to get my recovery program on track.

D.    I will love myself enough to work on my recovery.

E.     I can only look to myself for the answers as to what is best for me.

F.     I can gain insight into what I need by doing my journal responding and readings on a weekly basis.

G.    I have time for me.

H.    I deserve the time I put into my recovery.

I.     I am a lovable, capable person who is in the process of recovering from the behavioral consequences of low self-esteem.

J.      I can reach out for the support of my Buddies at SEA when I need it.

K.   I will put the burden of my recovery on no one else but me.

L.     I am an honest, open, and feeling person.

M.  I will take the time I need to recover.

N.   I will grow in patience as I see that recovery takes time.

O.   I am an intelligent, competent, and creative person capable of self-recovery.

P.     I can love myself enough to forgive me if I should experience relapse in my recovery process.

Q.   I deserve the time I am taking away from my workaholic and idle time which I am applying to my recovery.

R.    There are no excuses for my lack of taking time for myself.

S.     I am the person who is the sculptor of the "new me.''

T.     I will make a schedule for my recovery program and live by it.

SEA's Meeting Format

If you were to run a SEA's meeting here is possible script to conduct each weekly meeting: 

 Meeting Script

 Good evening and welcome to Self-Esteem Seekers Anonymous - The SEA's Program. I am ____________ and I am recovering from low self-esteem. Would you please help me open this meeting with a moment of silence, followed by the Serenity Prayer.

God, grant me serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can and wisdom to know the difference, living one day at a time, enjoying one moment at a time, accepting hardship as a pathway to peace. Taking, as Jesus did, this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it. Trusting that You will make all things right if I surrender to your will, so that I may be reasonably happy in this life and supremely happy with You forever in the next. AMEN

 I have asked __________________ (a group member) to read the SEA's Twelve Steps.

I would like to introduce (names of new members). Please stand to identify yourselves so that we may become better acquainted after the meeting.

 Are there any announcements you would like to share with the group?

The SEA's program is an anonymous program. We ask that you respect the anonymity and confidentiality of each person in this group. We ask that: What you see and hear stays here when you leave.

Tonight I've asked __________________ to be our volunteer to re-enact a life segment pertinent to our topic of the evening. (A psychodrama, role play, gestalt experience, anger workout, or problem-solving session is conducted.) (45-60 minutes)

We will now break into small groups, preferably three members per group. Please follow the group sharing outline; please do not interrupt someone else's sharing. Do not make comments about other people's statements. Do not give advice or try to fix anyone. Talk about yourself at the feelings level to gain the most out of this sharing process. (45-60 minutes)

We will close our meeting with a moment of silence and the Serenity Prayer. Please hand in the Weekly Progress Sheet before you leave tonight.

Weekly Progress Sheet

Name_______________ Date  _________

Meeting Topic ______________________

1.  How does tonight's topic make me feel?

2. What step am I currently working on and how am I feeling about my progress?

3. What obstacle is currently keeping me off track in my recovery process and how do I feel about this?

 4. How am I feeling tonight about myself?

5. What sensations did I experience as I was being affirmed last week?

6. What positive affirmation will I use this week to enhance my self-esteem?

Received by ______________________

On Date  ____________________

SEA's Small Group Sharing Format and Behaviors

Sharing Format in small group

First: Each person is given three to five minutes to share feelings following the outline contained on the SEA's weekly progress sheet above.

Second: Once each person has shared on these questions and the group has affirmed each person, then the group is open to discuss how they felt about the evening's process

Small Group Sharing Behaviors

 Actively listen to the person sharing:

More Small Group Helping Behaviors

In the small group:

Give permission to group members to give you feedback if they see you relapsing into old, low self-esteem behaviors.

Give feedback to any group member who is giving advice or trying to fix another person.

Keep the group on task to ensure that each member gets to share that evening.

Give feedback if a member is into the "head'' or content and not in touch with the feelings or "gut'' response.

Give feedback if a member is engaging in self-pity or any other self-defeating behaviors in the group.

Keep the focus on the feelings by trying to use only reflective and understanding empathic responses to your fellow group members.

Share insights gained from books, readings, lectures, movies or plays which pertain to the topic of the evening.

Help one another to identify a self-affirmation to work on during the next week.

Use affirmations to reinforce each others efforts to stay on track in the recovery process.

Keep the group focused on the positive and avoid the contagion of self-pity or impossibility thinking.

Buddies at SEA

What is a Buddy?

In order to assist a person to continue working on personal growth and self-esteem enhancement, the SEA's program encourages the members to become buddies to one another on their own time. 

The roles of a Buddy are:

To be an active support person to another SEA's member.

 To listen to the person and reflect back an understanding of the feelings being expressed.

To participate in social and recreational activities which are "fun'' and self-esteem enhancing.

To limit discussions on problems to a minimum to ensure that the relationship is not just an analytical, problem-solving one but rather one which is spirit-lifting and esteem enhancing.

To give feedback to the other when the person is relapsing into old, low self-esteem patterns.

To give feedback when the person is engaging in self-pity or other self-defeating behaviors.

To not discuss what goes on in any support or 12 step groups you participate in, with the other person.

To never talk about a third person in a discussion with a buddy.

To watch out for codependent behaviors developing in the relationship and to take steps to correct this.

To not limit self to buddies when going to 12 step or other support groups so that a well-rounded attitude about life is developed by getting input from peers who are not necessarily my close "buddies".

To not develop into self-limited small cliques of buddies  but rather to be open to be a buddy to whoever asks.

To seek mediation from a sponsoring professional, counselor, or group leader if a conflict arises in a relationship with a buddy.

To experiment with new, healthier, self-enhancing behaviors in the buddy relationship.

 To give permission to a buddy to give honest and open feedback if needed.

Suggested Readings

Al-Anon Faces Alcoholism. New York: Al-Anon Family Groups, Inc. 1984.

Alcoholics Anonymous. New York: Alcoholics Anonymous World Services, Inc., 1976.

Ackerman, Robert J. Let Go and Grow. Florida: Health Communications, Inc., 1987.

———. Children of Alcoholics: A Guidebook for Educators, Therapists, and Parents. Florida: Learning Publications, 1978.

Ackerman, Robert J., editor. Growing in the Shadow: Children of Alcoholics. Florida: Health Communications, Inc., 1986.

Anthony, Dr. Robert. Total Self Confidence. New York: Berkley, 1979.

Ardell, Donald B. High Level Wellness. New York: Bantam Books, Inc., 1977.

Bach, Richard. Jonathan Livingston Seagull. New York: Avon Books, 1970.

———. Illusions. New York: Dell Publishing, 1977.

Bailey, Covert. Fit or Fat. Houghton‑Mifflin. 1977.

Beattie, Melody. Codependent No More. New York: Harper & Row, 1987.

———. Beyond Codependency. Minnesota: Hazelden Foundation, 1989.

Black, Claudia. It Will Never Happen To Me! Colorado: M.A.C., 1982.

———. Repeat After Me. Colorado: M.A.C., 1985.

Booth, Father Leo. Spirituality and Recovery. Florida: Health Communications, Inc., 1985.

Bowden, Julie and Gravitz, Herbert. Genesis: Spirituality in Recovery from Childhood Traumas. Florida: Health Communications, Inc., 1988.

Bradshaw, John. Bradshaw On: The Family. Florida: Health Communications, 1988.

Brooks, Cathleen. The Secret Everyone Knows. California: The Kroc Foundation, 1981.

Buscaglia, Leo, Ph.D. Living, Loving, Learning. New York: Fawcett Columbine, 1982.

———. Love. New York: Fawcett, 1972.

Carnegie, Dale. How to Win Friends and Influence People. New York: Pocket Books, 1936, renewed 1964.

Casey, Karen. If Only I Could Quit: Becoming a Non-Smoker. Minneapolis: Hazelden Educational Materials.

Cermak, Timmen L., M.D. A Time To Heal The Road to Recovery for Adult Children of Alcoholics. New York: Avon Books, 1988.

Chandler, Mitzi. Gentle Reminders for Co-Dependents. Florida: Health Communications, Inc., 1989.

Co-Dependency An Emerging Issue. Florida: Health Communications,   Inc. 1984.

Colgrove, Melba, Ph.D., Bloomfield, Harold, M.D., and McWilliams, Peter. How to Survive the Loss of a Love. New York: Bantam Books, 1976.

Cork, R. Margaret. The Forgotten Children. Canada: Paper Jacks in Association with Addiction Research Foundation, 1969.

Cowan, Dr. Connell, Kinder, Dr. Melvyn. Smart Women/Foolish Choices. New York: Signet, 1985.

———. Women Men Love/ Women Men Leave. New York: Signet, 1987.

Dayton, Tian. Drama Games for Therapists and Teachers. New York: Tian Dayton, 1988.

Eden, Cooper. If You're Afraid of the Dark, Remember the Night Rainbow. California: Green Tiger Press, 1979.

Friday, Nancy. My Mother, My Self. New York: Dell, 1977.

Friends in Recovery. The 12 Steps for Adult Children. California: Recovery Publications, 1987.

Forward, Dr. Susan. Men Who Hate Women ‑The Women Who Love Them. New York: Bantam Books, 1986.

Fromke, DeVern. Life's Ultimate Privilege. Indiana: Sure Foundation, Inc., 1986.

Gendler, J. Ruth. The Book of Qualities. California: Turquoise Mt. Publishers, 1984.

Geringer Woititz, Ed.D., Janet. Adult Children of Alcoholics. Florida: Health Communications, Inc., 1983.

———. Struggle for Intimacy. Florida: Health Communications, Inc., 1985.

Gravitz, Herbert L., and Bowden, Julie D. Recovery: A Guide for Adult Children of Alcoholics. New York: Simon and Schuster, Inc., 1985.

Hill, Napoleon. Think & Grow Rich. New York: Fawcett Crest, 1960.

Johnson, Spencer, M.D. The Precious Present. New York: Doubleday & Company, 1984.

Kathleen, W. and Jewell, E. With Gentleness, Humor, and Love. Florida: Health Communications, Inc., 1989.

Keyes, Jr., Ken. A Conscious Person's Guide to Relationships. Oregon: Living Love Publications, 1979.

Krantzler, Mel. Learning to Love Again. New York: Bantam Books, 1977.

Kritsberg, Wayne. The Adult Children of Alcoholics Syndrome. Florida: Health Communications, Inc., 1985.

Lair, Jacqueline Carey, and Lechler, Walther H., M.D. I Exist, I Need, I'm Entitled. New York: Doubleday & Company, 1980.

Larson, Earnie. Stage II Relationships: Love Beyond Addiction. California: Harper & Row, 1987.

Larson, Earnie, and Larson Hegarty, Carol. Days of Healing, Days of Joy, Daily Meditations for Adult Children. New York: Harper & Row, 1987.

Lasater, Lane, Ph.D. Recovery from Compulsive Behavior. Florida: Health Communications.

Lerner, Harriet. The Dance of Anger. New York: Harper & Row, 1985.

Lerner, Rokelle. Daily Affirmations for Adult Children of Alcoholics. Florida: Health Communications, Inc., 1987.

Maltz, Maxwell, M.D. Psychocybernetics. New York: Pocket Books, 1960.

McConnell, Patty. Adult Children of Alcoholics. California:   Harper & Row, 1986.

Middleton-Moz, Jane, and Dwinell, Laurie. After the Tears. Florida: Health Communications, Inc., 1986. 

Norwood, Robin. Women Who Love Too Much. New York: Pocket Books, 1985.

———. Letters from Women Who Love Too Much. New York: Pocket Books, 1988.

Nouwen, Henri J.M. Creative Ministry. New York: Image Books, 1978.

———. The Wounded Healer. New York: Image Books, 1979.

———. Reaching Out. New York: Image Books, 1986.

Oliver-Diaz, Philip and O'Gorman, Patricia. 12 Steps to Self-Parenting for Adult Children. Florida: Health Communications, Inc., 1988.

Peale, Norman Vincent. A Guide to Confident Living. New York: Fawcett Crest, 1948.

Peck, M. Scott, M.D. The Road Less Traveled. New York: Simon and Schuster, 1978.

Peebles, Katherine. A Natural Curiosity. Kentucky: The Learning House, 1988.

Powell, S.J., John. Unconditional Love. Texas: Tabor   Publishing, 1978.

Robe, Lucy Barry. Just So It's Healthy. Minnesota: CompCare Publications.

Saint Exupéry, Antoine de. The Little Prince. California: Harcourt, Brace, Jovanovich, 1971.

Satir, Virginia. Conjoint Family Therapy. California: Science and Behavior Books, Inc., 1967.

———. Making Contact. California: Celestial Arts,   1976.

———. Peoplemaking. California: Science and Behavior   Books, Inc., 1972.

Schuller, Robert. Discover Your Possibilities. Oregon: Harvest House, 1978.

———. You Can Become the Person You Want To Be. New York: Jove Books, 1973.

Segal, Dr. Julius. Winning Life's Toughest Battles. New York: Ivy Books, 1986. 

Seixas and Youcha. Children of Alcoholism. New York: Crown, 1985.

Sheehy, Gail. Passages. New York: Bantam Books, 1974.

Silverstein, Shel. The Missing Piece. New York: Harper and Row, 1976.

Subby, Robert. Lost in the Shuffle CoDependent Reality. Florida: Health Communications, 1987.

———. Family Rules. Florida: Health Communications, 1987.

Viorst, Judith. Necessary Losses. New York: Ballantine Books, 1987.

Viscott, David, M.D. Risking. New York: Pocket Books, 1977.

Wegscheider-Cruse, Sharon. Another Chance. California: Science and Behavior Books, Inc., 1981.

———. Choice-Making. Florida: Health   Communications, Inc., 1985.

———. Understanding Me. Florida: Health Communications, Inc., 1985.

Whitfield, Charles L., M.D. Healing the Child Within. Florida: Health Communications, Inc., 1987.

Wilson-Schaef, Anne. Co-Dependence Misunderstood-Mistreated. California: Harper & Row, 1986.

York, Phyllis, York, David, and Wachtel, Ted. Tough Love. New York: Bantam Books, 1982.

———. Tough Love Solutions. New York: Bantam Books, 1984.