Step 1: We admitted that we were powerless over the behavioral consequences of our low self-esteem; that our lives had become unmanageable.
Behavioral consequences of low self-esteem
Identify what behaviors you have exhibited as a result of your low self-esteem. If none, apply mark N/A. (Use Laying the Foundation to get a complete description of each of these nine behavioral patterns.)
- Looking good:
- Acting out:
- Pulling in:
- Entertaining:
- Enabler:
- Troubled person:
- People pleaser:
- Rescuer:
- Nonfeeling person:
Identify the destructive or negative consequences which resulted from your low self-esteem behavioral pattern. Click on each topic to get you to the Tools for Coping material relate each negative consequence of low self-esteem:
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Self-destructive behaviors
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Unresolved loss issues
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Control issues
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Unresolved anger issues
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Personal adjustment problems
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Interpersonal relationship problems
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Faulty communication issues
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Lack of self-acceptance and self-love
Powerless
Powerlessness is a result of one or more of the following circumstances: preoccupation with problem behaviors, numerous failed attempts to control the problem behaviors, and loss of control over the problem behaviors.
1. Preoccupation occurs when your thoughts, feelings, hopes, and dreams are so seriously filled with the negative behavioral consequences of low self-esteem that the mind is not clearly focused on reality.Give examples of when you have been seriously preoccupied and ignored your responsibilities for self, spouse, family, work, school, or community.
2. Numerous failed attempts to control the problem behaviors is a mark of powerlessness because no matter what you tried in the past it never worked.Give examples of some of your past failed attempts to control the problem behaviors.
3. Loss of control over the problem behaviors causes them to become obsessive, compulsive, and unpredictable.
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Obsessive thinking and uncontrolled ruminating about problem behaviors render you powerless. Give examples of your obsessive thinking about your problem behaviors.
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Compulsively driven and frenzied acting out your problem behaviors results in a sense of powerlessness. Give examples of where your problem behaviors have taken on the compulsively driven modality.
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Unpredictable, when you find yourself to be more the observer than the doer of the action involved, your problem behaviors have become unpredictable. You cannot clearly predict what your next action will be. Give specific examples where you have found your behaviors unpredictable.
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Unmanageability of life
Your life is affected by the behavioral consequences of your low self-esteem to the extent that there is a deterioration of the quality of your life. This deterioration comes from problem behaviors out of control which result in your life being unmanageable. You are not able to maintain goals, make plans, manage your time, or maintain relationships. The spheres of your life which become unmanageable are: inner feeling, emotional life, spiritual life, family life, social life, work life, school life, and community life.
1. Inner feelings and emotional lifeGive examples of how your feelings and emotions deteriorated and became hard to manage.
2. Spiritual life Give examples of the deterioration or lack of management of your spiritual life. 3. Family life How have your problem behaviors resulting from low self-esteem affected your family life? For each member in your current family and family of origin, give examples how they were affected by your behaviors.
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Current family: |
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Family of origin: |
4. Social life How much "real'' fun do you have with other people? What is the status of your social support network? How many close friends do you keep in regular contact with? How isolated and disconnected have you become? Give examples of the breakdown in your social life.
5. Work life What is the status of your work life? Have you ever been fired or quit? How are your relationships with your co-workers and supervisors? Are you happy in your career? Give examples of the effects of your low self-esteem at work.
6. School life Have you gotten the highest education you need to in order succeed in your chosen career? Did you feel intellectually inferior in school? Are you an underachiever? Give examples of how low self-esteem has affected your school history.
7. Community life How involved in your community are you? Do you reach out to your neighbors? Do you join civic groups or volunteer in community projects? Give examples of how your low self-esteem affects your participation in the community.
Admittance and acceptance
In order for you to begin your recovery process, you need to admit to yourself that you are powerless over the behavioral consequences of your low self-esteem and accept that the road to recovery is a lifelong process. What prevents you from admitting and accepting is an active denial system which keeps you focused on Pollyanna, fantasy, magical thinking, minimizing, intellectualization, and rationalization.
Also preventing full admittance and acceptance is the fear, anxiety and terror of being at the beginning stages of recovery when you feel one foot in the "old unhealthy space'' well known to you and the other foot in the "new healthy space'' less known to you and filled with great risks and challenge. There is the "old you'' which you know and are used to, the "you'' that feels "normal.'' In the healthy world is the "new you,'' which is at this beginning stage unknown to you. You fear that if you completely give up the "old you'' before you become the "new you'' there will be "none of you'' left. This makes you feel "sicker'' than you first felt beginning this quest. You see that denial might be a safer alternative to reduce your anxiety over changing. You also realize that you really don't know what "normal'' is so why, you reason, should you take the risk now to become "normal'' since what "you are'' hasn't done so bad for you. But, since you have chosen this recovery road for yourself, something must have made you feel "sick'' enough to reach out for help in the first place. So, why not "let go'' of the fear, anxiety, and terror over change and give the "new healthier normal you'' a chance?
Another source preventing your admitting and accepting your powerlessness over your low self-esteem behaviors is that you have always found it easier in the past to blame others for your problems. This program of recovery places the responsibility for your problem behaviors on you. You are the only one who needs to improve emotional, rational, and behavioral control in order for you to change. The focus on you as the "target'' for change is foreign to you and you fight and resist this concept. This resistance to focus on personal responsibility for self-change can lead to denial of the "real'' problems you need to work on.
1. Admitting powerlessness Give examples of why it is not easy for you to admit powerlessness over the behavioral consequences of low self-esteem.
2. Accepting powerlessness Give examples of why it is not easy for you to accept powerlessness over the behavioral consequences of your low self-esteem.
3. Denial of the powerlessness over problems Give examples of denying the powerlessness of the problems resulting from your low self-esteem through use of:
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Pollyanna thinking (things are never as bad as they seem). |
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Fantasy thinking. |
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Magical thinking. |
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Minimizing. |
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Intellectualization and rationalization.
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4. The "panic'' in recovery Give examples of how the panic in the initial stages of your recovery keeps you from dealing with your admitting and accepting powerlessness over your low self-esteem-based problems. This panic results in:
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Fear of unknown "new'' me.
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Anxiety over loss of "old'' me.
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Terror at the magnitude of change needed.
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Sensation of getting "sicker'' as you enter "recovery.''
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Reactions of the significant people in your life to your changes. |
5. Personal responsibility for change in self Give examples where you find it difficult to take total control of the efforts to change yourself so that you no longer are affected by the negative behavioral consequences of low self-esteem. Show how this resistance to taking personal responsibility for self-change blinds you to the power and strength these problems have over you.
Conclusion Now that you have explored Step 1 and the concept of powerlessness, restate for yourself that which you admit and accept as the behaviors and issues which result from your low self-esteem over which you feel powerless.
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