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A. Pathfinders are parents who:

B. Children raised by Pathfinders:

In SEA's Therapeutic Workshops, conducted by this author, participants are lead in a trust walk in which there are three roles to be played. The first role is that of the helpee who is blindfolded and not able to see. The helpee is allowed to ask questions as it is being helped to find its way in the exercise. The second role is that of a helper. The helper is a silent role. The helper is only allowed to hold onto the elbow of the helpee and silently guide the person based on the directions of the pathfinder. The third role is that of the Pathfinder. The Pathfinder is the only person allowed to give directions to the helpee but does not directly physically assist the helpee. The Pathfinder walks in front of the helpee and helper and is free to give directions at will. The Pathfinder cannot control the outcome of the trust walk because the helper and helpee are free to follow the directions or to take their own way to accomplish the task. The Pathfinder sets limits, but the helper and helpee have freedom of individual expression within those limits. The Pathfinder does not want any harm to come to the people who have been put under its care and yet it cannot minutely dictate the outcomes of the actions and behaviors of these people. This role play activity gives people the simulated experience of being pathfinding parents to children in their care. The helpee is the younger or single child in a family. The helper is the older or first child in the family. Being a helper who takes the external directions of the pathfinder is much like an older brother or sister who assists younger siblings to know the rules of the household. Being a helpee is like a child who is dependent on parents for guidance in this strange world, but yet possessing innate abilities to create a unique response to it.

In the same SEA's Therapeutic Workshops, The Missing Piece Meets the Big O, by Shel Silverstein (Harper and Row, NY, 1981) is read. In this story the missing piece comes in contact with two types of people. The first is the perfect fitter who is the perfect fit for the missing piece. The only trouble with this is that once the perfect fit is accomplished the missing piece is so well nurtured and cared for that it outgrows the perfect fitter and must pull away. The second, the Big O rolls along side the missing piece and does not offer any of itself in order to assist the missing piece. This initial lack of self-sacrificing on the part of the Big O looks selfish and cold, but in time it proves to be the right match for the missing piece. By only role modeling appropriate movement in the world the Big O provides a motivating stimulus for the missing piece to learn to roll on its own. The missing piece begins to pull itself up and flips over end over end wearing down its sharp points and eventually becomes smoother and smoother on all ends until it eventually shapes itself into a Big O of its own. Pathfinders are Big O's to their children. Pathfinders help children to learn from their role modeling on how to mature and grow in life to become self-sufficient and self- directed people.

C. Are you a Pathfinder?

Parents can determine if they are currently Pathfinders by answering the following parenting inventory.

Parenting Inventory

Read each statement and then rate yourself as to how true that statement is for you using the following rating scale. Use a page in your journal to record your ratings so that you can return to this inventory later, once you complete this book.

_____ 1. I call my children names when I am angry at them for not doing what I ask them to do.

_____ 2. I believe that my first priority in life is my children and that it is my responsibility how they turn out later on in life.

_____ 3. I blow up a lot when my kids get me angry and I let them know that they have an obligation to do what I expect them to do.

_____ 4. I am disappointed in my children's behaviors and the way they treat me, which is so disrespectful and not the way I expected my children would act towards me.

_____ 5. I find that I use a lot of the same words and disciplinary actions that my parents used on me. This is just the opposite of what I had promised myself when I was younger that I would do if I had children.

_____ 6. I let my children know that they disappoint me when they do not reach the expectations I have had for them as to success at school and/or in sports and/or in community activities and/or socially and/or in participation in the family.

_____ 7. I find that I am very sensitive to my children's behaviors, attitudes and treatment towards me.

_____ 8. I find it hard to have fun with my children.

_____ 9. I find it difficult to hold a civil conversation with my children because of their attitude, rebelliousness or insensitivity to my feelings, desires, and directions.

_____10. I find that I am either very depressed, or tired, or very stressed out when dealing with my children.

_____11. I find that I tend to use a lot of manipulation and guilt to get my children to comply with my requests.

_____12. I resort to shaming my children to get them to change behaviors which I believe are immature, inappropriate, or embarrassing.

_____13. I will not speak to my children for hours, days, or weeks in order to give them a taste of what it is like to live with people who are inconsiderate, disobedient, or obnoxious.

_____14. I let my children know when they are blowing it with me by the choices they are making in the types of friends they hang out with and the activities in which they engage.

_____15. I have threatened to send my children to a state foster home or detention center if they did not clean up their act.

_____16. I have said to my children: "Do as I say, not as I do."

_____17. I will not tell my children when I feel I have made a mistake in judgement with them. In fact I think my judgement has been on the mark with my kids since they were born.

_____18. I believe that parents know more than their children about life and that children should seek out their parents' input and respect what their parents suggest for them to do.

_____19. I feel that my children are much more than I bargained for when I decided to become a parent and I resent the pressure they put me under.

_____20. I feel it is my obligation to please my children and to make them happy.

_____21. I find that I am easily manipulated by my children's behaviors towards me, especially when I feel guilty and ashamed for how I have treated them in the past.

_____22. I do not believe you can ever spoil a child too much. I see nothing wrong in keeping my children happy and content even if I may go overboard at times.

_____23. I am afraid of my children's response when I try a new or different form of discipline with them.

_____24. I feel like I am messing up my children and I don't know how to stop myself.

_____25. I envy others who seem to have an easier time with their children and I wish that I could trade in my kids for theirs.

_____26. I do not agree with my partner in child rearing on how to raise, discipline, and control our children.

_____27. I remind my children that our family's business is ours to keep quiet, private, and a secret from others. I tell them it is nobody's business what goes on in our house.

_____28. I leave my children's education to their teachers and the schools. They are professionals and that's what we pay taxes and tuition (if children in private school) for.

_____29. My partner and I fight a lot about the children and how we handle their rearing.

_____30. My children are told that they do not have the freedom to think and act for themselves until they leave home. Until that time they will do what I say or else.

_____31. I have a difficult time getting my children to follow the rules I have set for them.

_____32. I find that I am getting bitter about my children and am beginning to suspect that I would be a happier person if I had never had them.

_____33. I believe that it is good for children to learn how to compete in the world. That is why I put my children into team sports or other competitive activities to understand this lesson early and become more competitive themselves.

_____34, I want my children to have it better materially than what I had as a child. I work hard to make it happen for them.

_____35. I want my children to get educated, become professionals and be successful in adult life.

_____36. I want my children to meet the right persons to marry and have a family with. I believe that I can set the stage for this by the neighborhood we live in, the schools they go to, and the social outlets I make available for them.

_____37. I tell my children to keep their tempers in check and to not ever get angry around me.

_____38. I believe that raising kids is hard work. If I put enough effort into it, I will be able to shape my kids into what I want them to become in life.

_____39. I believe that my children owe me a lot for everything I have done and sacrificed for them.

_____40. I expect only the best of my children and therefore I expect them to do their best at all times.

_____ Total Score

Scoring Directions for the Parenting Inventory

Add up all of the ratings you gave on the 40 item inventory and put that number on the Total Score line.

Interpretation of scores on the Parenting Inventory

Score Rating Interpretation

D. Journal Exercise

Directions: In your personal journal, respond to the following questions:

1. How do you feel about yourself in your role as a parent?

2. What are the major obstacles keeping you from enjoying your parental role?

3. What are your major worries about being an effective parent?

4. How have your efforts at recovering from your own low self-esteem assisted you to become a more effective parent?

5. What irrational beliefs about being a parent do you currently ascribe to which keep you locked into an over-controlling mode with your children. (Tip in answering this question: the 40 questions in the inventory are all irrationally based statements)

6. What do you need to change in your current parenting style in order to become a BIG O or Pathfinder to your children.

7. Can you think of any parents you have met in your lifetime who may have been Pathfinders? How did their parenting style differ from what you are currently doing?

8. How open are you to changing your behavioral style, patterns and behaviors? How threatening is this concept of Pathfinder to your current beliefs, philosophy of life, and ideals about what a parent is and what constitutes a happy family.?

9. What risks do you foresee in pursuing the Pathfinder model of parenting with your children?

10. How well do you think this inventory did in identifying where you are in terms of your self-esteem as a parent, the level of control you use in your parenting, and the impact of your parenting on your children's self-esteem?

A. What Does PATHFINDER Mean?

P Parenting - Parenting principles based on the TEA system by which we change our Thoughts, Emotions, and Actions to healthy rational and realistic ways of interacting with our children.

A Activating - Activating children's self esteem over the life span.

T Tracking - Tracking structures for children

H Hugging - Hugging children to create a healthy bond.

F Formulating - Formulating behavioral consequences to encourage personal responsibility in children.

I Intervening - Intervening in loss issues facing children.

N Negotiating - Negotiating to advocate for children's rights.

D Discussing - Discussing issues with children with open, honest, and feelings oriented communication.

E Establishing - Establishing health boundaries with adolescent and young adult children to insure personal emotional health.

R Releasing - Releasing ourselves of shame and guilt over mistakes made as parents through self-forgiveness.

B. Goal of Pathfinder Model

PATHFINDER is a system by which parents can assist their children to have healthy self-esteem. In order to assist others to have good self-esteem, parents need to have healthy self-esteem themselves. The systems of recovery of the SEA'S Program also known as Self-Esteem Seekers Anonymous written by James J. Messina, Ph.D. (1992, Kendall-Hunt) contains the summation of what is needed in order to gain healthy self-esteem. The SEA'S system of recovery from low self-esteem contains procedures which allow people to cope with anxiety, stress, panic, fears, anger, resentment, guilt, loneliness, abandonment, the need to control, and relapsing into old behaviors. The SEA'S system teaches adults to re-parent their broken and wounded inner children which is their inner spirit. In Growing Down: Tools for Healing the Inner Child by James J. Messina, Ph.D. and Constance G. Messina, Ph.D. (1992, Kendall-Hunt) tools for healing and awakening the inner spirit are presented which enable parents to heal their inner children by re-parenting and becoming Pathfinders for themselves. Parents must be Pathfinders to themselves and their inner children before they can be effective Pathfinders for their own children.

C. Who Should Use this Model

PATHFINDER is the technique of dealing with children in a positively esteeming way which increases their belief in themselves. The ability to allow children to be their own people requires a lot of exercise and practice. It also requires that parents receive support from others who are understanding and who can call them on it when they are relapsing back into an over-controlling mode. When there are two or more parenting figures in the lives of children, it is important that they create a team-like approach and are consistent in their philosophy and treatment, if self-esteem is to be enhanced.

For single parent-led families and step-families, PATHFINDER is an appealing mode of parenting because it requires so little direct supervision and effort to encourage the development of healthy children no matter what is the make up of the parenting unit. The ability of parenting figures to agree on PATHFINDER technologies is much more feasible when all parties involved have a reasonable and realistic outlook on the need to give children as healthy a preparation for life as possible.

Where it is impossible for both natural parents to communicate in a healthy manner, it is still possible for one of the parents to be a Pathfinder as long as that parent does not resort to putting down the other parent in the eyes of the children. The children will benefit from the PATHFINDER techniques even if from only one parent. The children will have to determine for themselves what is important to retain or reject from the messages transmitted by the non-pathfinding parent. Unconditional acceptance and love are key formulas which the children will learn in the Pathfinder's home and therefore will be able to accept and love the non-pathfinding parent for who and what that person is. The children will be able to judge on their own the merit or lack of merit of the directions being given them by their non-pathfinding parent  

D. Caution to New Pathfinders

In the beginning, as parents initiate pathfinding technology in their home environment, the children will be resistant. This is because it is new and different and will require a change in their attitudes, beliefs, and understandings about themselves and others. They may resist the notion that they are solely responsible for the consequences for their own behaviors. They may begin to act out and rebel because it does not feel normal or the way it has always felt in the family. This reaction is to be expected. Novice Pathfinders will need a great deal of support and help during this transition in the changing family scene. The parents will need to depend on their support groups to clarify their thinking and emotional reaction to the children's response to the changes in parenting style.

E. Pathfinder is an "Accepting Powerlessness Model"

PATHFINDER is a reality based parental system which accepts that parents cannot control the outcomes of the lives of their children. This system requires that parents have a spirituality with a Higher Power. The twelve step program of Self-Esteem Seekers Anonymous provides an outline of the type spirituality needed by Pathfinders. The twelve steps are fully detailed in the SEA's Program Manual (Messina, J. J., 1992, Kendall-Hunt). It is only by handing over the lack of control over others can Pathfinders maintain a sense of serenity when their children appear to be getting worse as a result of implementing this new model of parenting. Pathfinders have to develop a belief system which includes the notion that hardship is a pathway to peace. They need to accept that they are powerless to change or control other people, places, things, or circumstances in their children's lives. They need a strength greater than themselves to draw upon, when they find themselves weakening in resolve and commitment to no longer try to exercise excessive control in their children's lives. This is especially true when their offspring appear to be asking them to resume the old over-controlling model used on them before.

F. Pathfinder is a Thinking Parents Model Based on Systems Thinking

The PATHFINDER system is a culmination of all the tools needed to recover from low self-esteem. Parents need to be clear with themselves as to why they are now changing their parenting style. They need to accept that by adopting this non-controlling, non-dependency inducing and non-threatening model they will be reducing the stress not only in their own lives but also in the lives of their children. This model requires parents to fully explore the old irrational beliefs which have blocked them in the past from letting go of control. This model requires parents to be open to their own feelings and emotions. The PATHFINDER system is based on the tools of effective feelings based communication including actively listening for feeling, responding to feelings, and problem solving through clarification of feelings. This system requires parents to know the difference between dysfunctional and healthy patterns of behaving. The system involves the parents in actively grieving the losses in their lives so as not to be burdened with denial or bargaining. They need to accept that their own lives have been full of loss and pain which has shaped them into being who they are today. PATHFINDER is based on the assumption that parents will handle all forms of their anger in healthy ways without burdening or scarring their children with it. To have healthy relationships with their children, Pathfinders need to know what makes a healthy relationship and how to sustain it. Pathfinders need to learn all the different forms of control and how not to get caught up in them. They need to know how to alleviate the stress and burnout parents experience who are over-responsible, guilt driven or perfectionistic in their pursuit of being good parents.

The PATHFINDER system utilizes all of the six SEA's Systems needed for the recovery from the behavioral consequences of low self-esteem. These systems are fully explained in the Self-Esteem Seekers Anonymous - The SEA'S Program Manual (Messina, J. J., 1992, Kendall-Hunt, pp.20-36). The following is a short explanation of them.

1. The TEA System

This system emphasizes that people cannot change their ways of acting unless they first change their thinking and feelings about the target behaviors. Parents need to be cautious in adopting the Pathfinder principles in their family life until they have fully understood them and are ready for the emotional responses this model of parenting provokes in themselves and their children.

2. The ALERT System

This system is utilized when people are confronted with a fear, challenge, pressure or crisis which causes anxiety, panic or stress. The underlying principle is that distress is the result of irrational thinking when confronting a threatening stimulus. The goal is to relax oneself by identifying the irrational beliefs and to replace them with rational and reality based alternatives. Once the thoughts are clarified, then the person can relax and face the challenge in a healthier way. Parents will need to use this system as they begin to implement the Pathfinder system and face the negative challenges of their children to this new way of relating.

3. The ANGER System

This system is utilized when people are confronted with anger and have a need to release the anger in order to return to a more relaxed and less stressful mind set. They must first accept that they are angry and name what it is that is angering them. They next need to get the anger out by not showering it on the people around them, but rather on some inanimate objects like punching bags, pillows, cushions, or other safe outlets for their venting. Once they have expelled their anger in a safe way, they will feel energized and ready to resume their daily living. Parents need to utilize this system as they use the Pathfinder system to get out their anger over their children's responses to their parenting style.

4. The CHILD System

This system involves people in an inner healing experience by calming their inner spirit when they are feeling lonely, forgotten, or abandoned. The calming comes from embracing their inner children as they are simultaneously embraced by their Higher Power. Healing comes from informing the inner child of positive affirmations of love and unconditional self-acceptance. This enables people to re-parent themselves with healthy self-esteem enhancing messages and feelings. Parents will need this system to provide themselves Pathfinder re-parenting to comfort themselves as they sense the pain of the loosening of their grip of control over their children.

5. The LET GO System

This system involves people in releasing the need to control other people, places, things, and circumstances which are not controllable or susceptible to being changed by them. This involves the lightening of the pressure to: fix, be a caretaker, control, change, rescue, enable, give advice, and correct others. The right not to intervene is then exercised by the taking steps to stay detached and not hooked by the other's manipulation to get them involved. This is a decision to commit to give up the need to be over-controlling and to reorder life to reflect this decision. Pathfinder is a Let Go system for parents. It is the letting go of the need to control their children's lives.

6. The RELAPSE System

The SEA's Program belief is that recovery from the behavioral consequences of low self-esteem is a life long process. It involves a change in life-style which includes ongoing use of the SEA's program of recovery; restructuring personal time; eating a balanced diet; getting adequate and restful sleep; daily aerobic exercise; maintaining physical health; restructuring of home, work, and community involvement; maintaining a social support network; stress management and relaxation activities; and adequate recreational and leisure outlets. This system recognizes that there are a variety of reasons why people relapse back into old unhealthy ways of thinking, feeling and behaving. This system encourages people to recognize when they are in relapse and to escape from it as soon as possible. The goal is to lessen the number of relapse events by learning, from the current relapse, why it occurred. Once the reasons for relapse are identified then action can be taken to make it possible to extend the time before the next relapse and to lessen the intensity of such an occurrence. People can protect themselves from relapse by having a better understanding why it occurs. They then need to seek support from their social support network. They give their supporters permission to call them on it when they see them building up for a relapse. Parents who utilize the Pathfinder system must recognize that they need to be vigilant for the signs of an impending relapse into their old unhealthy patterns of parenting. Parents need to use the RELAPSE system with their support system so that they can receive warning that they are reverting to old controlling behaviors with their children.

PATHFINDER then incorporates all of the six SEA's systems of recovery in order to assist parents to have healthier family lives and to encourage the development of personal responsibility taking, rational thinking, productive problem solving, self-confidence, self-acceptance, and healthy self-esteem in their children. To accomplish this goal, parents need to spend more time in working on themselves to awaken a healthier sense of self and healthy perspective on life. Parents who make their own personal recovery from low self-esteem their top priority will benefit from the PATHFINDER system. Parents on the other hand who only try to implement these principles without personal recovery work will be saddened to find out they cannot do one without the other.

In order to help you decide if you are receptive to the PATHFINDER system, take the following inventory of Pathfinder Beliefs and rate yourself as to how willingly you accept and incorporate them in your life with your children.

G. PATHFINDER Beliefs Inventory

Directions: Read each belief and then rate how you react to it. Put your rating on the line before each belief. Use the following rating scale:

_____ 1. I do not need my children to like or love me in order for me to feel good about myself.

_____ 2. I love myself enough to keep a healthy emotional boundary between my children and me so that I can be objective and detached when I set limits for them.

_____ 3. I would never place my children in a position in which I would not be willing to be placed myself.

_____ 4. I believe that children should be given freedom to make choices in their lives as long as I have set the limits for these choices to be made.

_____ 5. I believe that children need to be held responsible for all of their own actions. It is my task to point out for them what the consequences will be if they choose such actions.

_____ 6. It is healthy for children to have unique personalities which may clash with the tastes, interests and pursuits of their parents.

_____ 7. It is ok if my children do not become what I have always hoped they would become.

_____ 8. Children do not have an obligation to think, feel, and act like they do.

_____ 9. Free and open expression of physical and verbal affection is necessary for children to have healthy self-esteem.

______10. It is healthy for children to spend time on their own interests, activities and hobbies away from their parents.

_____11. Parents are the leaders in a family and they have to set the tone in the household by how they interact with the other family members.

_____12. Children need to have some freedom of choice within the limits set for them by their parents. This means that they are given guidelines for desired behaviors without rigid monitoring or supervision to insure that they are in compliance with the guidelines.

_____13. If my children appear to be floundering in life because they do not have the ability to solve their problems, then it is my responsibility to provide guidance by pointing out a variety of alternative solutions so that they can choose for themselves what to do.

_____14. When my children make choices which I know are bad for them, all I can do is to point out the potential consequences for these choices and leave them free to decide what they want to do about it.

_____15. In matters of pre-marital sex, alcohol or drug use, and other socially offensive behaviors all I can do is to fully inform my children about the negative consequences of these behaviors, but I cannot force them to choose what I want them to.

_____16. It is important that other adults in my children's lives give my children the same choices and freedom to be who they are without coercing them to be something which they do not want to be.

_____17. It is my responsibility to be an advocate for my children with school, church, clubs, sports teams, and other community activities in which they are involved to promote their self-esteem development in the Pathfinder model.

_____18. It is important for me to help others in my children's lives to understand that they are free to point out to my children the natural and logical consequences for their actions in the settings in which these adults have authority and responsibility for my children.

_____19. I do not have to fight for my children with the authorities in their lives if the officials have operated in a logical and rational way with them. This may mean that my children may experience some grave negative consequence for some inappropriate choices they have made.

_____20. I do not have to accept the negative consequences for my children's freely chosen behaviors since I did not perform their all chosen behavior.

_____21. Seeing my children suffering the negative consequences for their own actions can be painful, but I refuse to intervene if it is the right thing for them.

_____22. I believe that children should be given the freedom to experience failure in their lives.

_____23. Children learn from the mistakes they make. I cannot protect my children from the mistakes they make if I want them to grow up strong, self-reliant, and self-confident.

_____24. It is good for children to take out their anger in healthy ways. I encourage my children to do so as often as I see their anger rising.

_____25. I choose not to feel offended, hurt or pained when my children in their negative response to a directive of mine try to manipulate through guilt, non-acceptance, or rejection of me.

_____26. I choose not to hold onto guilt or shame for bad mistakes in judgement I made in my previous handling of my children.

_____27. I recognize that it is unhealthy to hold too tightly to an image, dream, or fantasy of how I want my children to be, because I cannot control things so that it can become a reality.

_____28. As long as I accept myself for who I am, it makes no difference what others say about how I am raising my children.

_____29. It is healthy for my children to recognize that I am a human being with weaknesses and frailty. I make a point to admit my shortcomings to them.

_____30. My physical and mental health is the number one priority in my life.

_____31. My marriage or relationship with my significant other is the second most important priority in my life.

_____32. My children are the next most important priority in my life after me and my marriage.

_____33. Parenting is fun as long as I keep a healthy perspective and let go of the need to control everything in my children's lives.

_____34. It is important to listen to my children's feelings as well as I can and equally important, I need to share my feelings with my children.

_____35. I accept responsibility for not being a perfect parent. I also accept that in the past, I had done the best that I could do at the time, for my children, knowing what I did at the time.

_____36. I am a human being and as such will make mistakes. It is ok to admit to my children when I have made them.

_____37. There is nothing about me, my family or our life together that I feel that my children need to keep secret from others.

_____38. I choose not to burden my children with my problems, concerns and worries in order to get them to comply with my requests for them to take care of me.

_____39. I feel no shame or guilt for letting go of the outcomes in my children's lives.

_____40. My Higher Power provides me strength to let go of the control over my children by allowing me to hand my children's outcomes over to this Power. I am ready to accept whatever will be the outcome.

_____Total Score

Scoring of PATHFINDER Beliefs Inventory

Directions: Add up all of the rating and place the total on the Total Score line.

Interpretations of Scores on the Pathfinder Beliefs Inventory

Score Rating Interpretation

H. Journal Exercise:

Directions: In your personal journal, respond to the following questions about the Pathfinder System:

1. What obstacles stand in the way of your freely accepting the Pathfinder system in your life?

2. How many of the 40 beliefs do you have a problem accepting and what is blocking your acceptance of them?

3. How is the current state of your self-esteem? What do you need further work on, in order for your self-esteem to become healthier?

4. Which of the six systems from the SEA's Program do you need to work more on so that they become a way of life for you? Why do you need to do more work on these systems?

5. How comfortable are you with the need to stay rational and reality based when dealing with your beliefs about parenting? What resistance do you feel to being open to this model?

6. How do you feel your children will react to your implementing the Pathfinder system?

7. How do you feel your partner in raising the children will feel about implementing the Pathfinder system?

8. What beliefs you currently hold about parenting and having children are being challenged by the Pathfinder system?

9. What are the benefits for you and your children to be gained by adopting the Pathfinder system?

10. What emotions or feelings are you experiencing as you proceed in this book? Where do you feel these are coming from? What do you think you need in order to change these feelings if they are negative? If they are positive, how can you explain your positive response?