jamesjmessina.com

• Overly responsible
• High motivation to help others
• Tendency to be stuck in their efforts to help change things
• Very emotionally stable
• Conscientious
• Desire to be a "good" person no matter how treated by others
• Seen as a "victim" due their treatment by troubled persons
• Openly admit the existence of problems
• Looks stuck in the situation, which creates problems for self
• Irrational in loyalty to the troubled person, who takes advantage of him
• A generous, selfless, good person who is being exploited
• A burdened-down person who carries others on his shoulders
• Tries to help out people in trouble at home, work, school, in the community, and in other social settings
• Very tolerant of the bizarre and maladapted behaviors of troubled people
• A sympathetic figure who is chronically taken advantage of
• Inability to consider self first
• Obsessively driven to care for others
• Inability to be assertive and protect his own rights

II. Feelings inside persons in the rescuing behavior role:

• Angry at the problems confronting the troubled people in their life
• Angry at others in their life who do not reach out to help or assist the troubled people they come across
• Resentful and angry about the chronic unhappiness the troubled people, whom they help, cause for them
• Angry and resentful if the troubled persons can take care of or solve their own problems without assistance from the rescuer
• Fear that if they don't help the troubled person, the person will be lost for life
• Fear that they will be misjudged by others for not taking an active stance to help troubled persons
• Anxious when in the presence of troubled people
• So focused on the troubled person, they are not able to focus healthy attention on themselves
• Guilt at not doing enough to help the troubled people in their life
• Feelings of low self-esteem when the troubled people suffer relapses
• Depression when they are caught up in a "catch 22" cycle of helping a troubled person who gets back on his feet just enough to relapse
• Confusion as to which is the best course of action to take with the troubled person
• Fear that they will be abandoned by the troubled persons in their lives
• Fear that they will always be unhappy in a relationship with a troubled person who is unwilling to reform
• Exhaustion over never being able to resolve the problems of the troubled person
• Anger that they are the focus of other helpers who point out their rescuer behavior as unhealthy

III. Negative consequences of the rescuing behavior role:

• Low self-esteem
• The more active the rescuing, the more unlikely that the troubled persons' behavior will change or reform
• The more active the rescuing, the deeper into denial of problems a troubled person can go
• Strained relations with everyone else in the rescuer's life for whom they have no energy left
• Other people involved with the troubled person become angry, hostile, and resentful of the rescuer's efforts since it seems to exacerbate the troubled person's behavior
• Because rescuing behavior is not successful in changing the troubled person's behavior, the rescuer becomes more obsessive in their efforts
• Due to failure and exhaustion, rescuers can become sour on good will and the caring attitudes of others
• The rescuers can become so involved in the addictions of the troubled person that the cessation of the addiction becomes the number one priority in their lives
• The rescuers have less and less time to maintain a social, athletic, friendship, or support network for themselves
• The rescuers become so overwhelmed by their efforts to help that they can ignore their own health and well being, thus getting sick themselves
• The rescuers who consistently fail to change things can lose self-confidence and eventually give in and join the troubled people in their troubled-behavior patterns
• The rescuers can become so obsessive in pursuit of helping that they get caught up in a denial web, failing to see the negative consequences of their rescuing behavior
• The rescuers can become resentful and turn against the very people they try to help when no change occurs
• Rescuers look for recognition and are hurt and disappointed when they are not recognized for their good deeds

IV. Some beliefs of persons in the rescuer behavioral role:

• If I don't do it, nobody will!
• They need my help!
• They will fail without my help!
• I can't stand by and see them suffer!
• They are too weak to endure the pressures in their life!
• I would not be able to live with myself if I did not help them.
• If they died because I didn't help them, I would feel responsible.
• I feel responsible for the welfare of them all.
• I don't care if they crap on me; I will still help them.
• It goes with the turf of helping people to be abused, accused, ignored, and blamed by them.
• It doesn't matter if they never thank me for what I have done for them.
• Just knowing I have helped them is a reward in itself.
• These are rough times and kids need help to get through.
• I know I'll always rescue him, even though I know it is not the best thing to do.
• "Tough love" is a phrase that stands for no love at all.
• How can you turn your back on someone who you know is hurting, sad, and alone, especially when it is one of your own?
• I don't care if he changes his behavior. I'll always help him out if he is in a jam.
• I love you and want to help you, so please come to me first, no matter what the problem is.
• You can't take care of yourself; you need me.
• No matter what happens, I just want him to know I love him.

V. Turning negative rescuing behavior into positive potential: