| Pulling-in Behavior Characteristics |
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Chapter 5: Pulling-in Behavior Characteristics
Laying the Foundation: Personality Traits of Low Self-Esteem
By: James J. Messina, Ph.D.
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I. Appearance to world of persons in the pulling-in behavior role:
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The "lost child" of the family
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Easily forgotten by others
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Loners; spend lots of time alone
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Make few demands on others
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Bookworm, avid readers
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Hobbyists
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Day dreamers
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Overweight
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Escapists in hobby, TV, music, etc.
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Quiet and non-expressive
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Independent
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Aloof, stand-offish, distant
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Hard to know
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Withdrawn socially
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Extremely shy
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Non-troublemakers
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Low profile, unobtrusive
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Materialistic, take extreme pride in possessions
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Self-reliant
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Don't present a problem for others
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See everything through rose-colored glasses, Pollyanna-like
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II. Feelings inside persons in the pullingin behavior role:
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Feel like outsiders
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Confused about what is occurring in their lives
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Feel a need to look out for themselves, stay out of others' way
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Feel comfortable alone
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Feel like strangers in their families, peer groups, or work setting
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Feel like they are unimportant
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Low self-esteem
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Feel isolated, alone, different, and socially inept
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Fearful of social interactions
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Fearful of not being accepted, fear of rejection
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Hurt over being ignored and left out
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Rage and anger over the problems in their lives that isolate them from others
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Confusion sexually as to what is normal; suffer doubts about their own sexual adequacy
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Feel ignored, unsupported, rejected
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Repress negative feelings
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Deep sense of loneliness
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Expect little of themselves
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III. Negative consequences of pullingin behavior role:
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Low self-esteem
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Their feelings get ignored
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They become more isolated and out of touch with the system
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They become neglected
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They escape into a "fantasy" world
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Compulsive escapes into computer, TV, music, books, etc.
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Overweight, compulsive eaters
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Prone to chemical dependency
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Make poor judgements in situations in which interpersonal communication is needed.
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Lack close, long-lasting friendships and personal relationships
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Prone to allergies and asthma
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Prone to illnesses and accidents
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Prone to passive aggressive means of handling conflicts
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Personal needs get ignored
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Poor risk takers
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Over-emphasis on importance of material possessions
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Fearful of getting help
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Sexual identity problems
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IV. Some beliefs of persons in the pulling-in behavior role:
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No one loves or cares about me.
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No matter what I do, I'll never get any recognition for it.
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They all see me as a failure.
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It is a waste of time to try reaching out to others.
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I don't fit in this environment.
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No one will ever help me, so I need to take care of myself.
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People hurt you, so stay away from them.
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If I told others how I felt about them, it would make no difference; they wouldn't change.
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I don't deserve to be loved.
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Reject them before they reject me.
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The only pleasures available in life are imaginary and unattainable.
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Avoid being hurt at all costs.
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People are out to get you and to take advantage of you.
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All women (or men) are predators and they will devour you once they get their claws on you.
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The people in the novels I read are my best friends.
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There is no reward in life except to survive.
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Don't let anyone know your true feelings, because then they will take advantage of you.
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Never open yourself up to be vulnerable because you will get hurt every time.
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Don't ever let down your guard or you will be beaten down.
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Avoid involvement with those who are pushy, nosey, or interfering.
- I am at peace with who I am.
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V. Turning negative pulling-in behavior into positive potential:
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Negative Pulling-In Behavior
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Positive Potential
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1. Independent
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With new direction they can turn this independence into an ability to solve their own problems without becoming clinging or being overly dependent on others for solutions.
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2. Self-reliant
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When channeled they are able to utilize their well-honed personal coping style to face the challenges of life, feeling comfort in their ability to solve problems.
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3. Unobtrusive
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Never having made problems for others, they have a good chance to gain others' loyalty and support once they are strong enough to ask for it.
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4. Loner
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Since they find comfort in being alone, they can handle tasks that require extended isolation from others.
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5. Distant
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They can keep themselves out of petty office politics and neighborhood gossip. They can be trusted with confidential information.
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6. Bookworm
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If they have been wise in their reading, they have a storehouse of knowledge, facts, and information on which they can draw to be successful in the "work" world.
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7. Non-troublemaker
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They are easy to be around. People seek them out since they bring no negative history with them.
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8. Very quiet
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If channeled wisely can be excellent listeners, having empathy and not injecting their needs into conversations.
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9. Escapist
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If channeled well they can redirect their escapes, such as hobbies, into tools to make their lives fully productive.
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10. Passive
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If channeled, they can be more even tempered when they learn to be more assertive. They can be enjoyable partners and co-workers if encouraged to express themselves and protect their rights.
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