VI. What steps can be taken to develop self-forgiveness?
Step 1: In order to increase your ability to forgive yourself, you need to recognize what this behavior involves. Answer the following questions in your journal.
· What do you mean by “self-forgiveness''?
· Have you ever forgiven yourself before? How did it feel?
· Have you ever brought up something from the past to remind you how you hurt yourself or others? How did that make you feel?
· What role do you feel self-forgiveness has in your growing down? How could you improve?
· How has the absence of forgiving yourself affected your current emotional stability?
· What are the signs of the absence of self-forgiveness in your relationship with your: (1) family of origin, (2) current family, (3) significant others, (4) spouse, (5) children, (6) parents, (7) relatives, (8) friends, (9) co-workers? With whom do you experience a wall or barrier behind which you hide your past real or perceived failures, mistakes, errors, or misdeeds? What feedback do you get about this wall you have been hiding behind?
· What beliefs block your ability to forgive yourself? What would be necessary to change these beliefs?
· What new behaviors do you need to develop in order to increase your ability to forgive yourself?
· What role does the existence of spirituality play in your ability to forgive yourself? The lack of it?
· For what do you need to forgive yourself?
Step 2: Now that you have a better picture of what is involved in self forgiveness, you are ready to work on a specific past failure, mistake, error, or misdeed.
· List a failure, mistake, error, misdeed, or event for which you are unable to forgive yourself.
· How much energy, creativity, problem-solving capability, and focus on growth is sapped from you whenever you recall this past hurt?
· What feelings come to mind as you recall this past hurt?
· How would you describe your role in this past event? In what ways were you the victim, perpetrator, enabler, martyr, bystander, instigator, target, scapegoat, distractor, peacemaker, people pleaser, or rescuer?
· Why do you feel strongly over what happened and how you treated yourself or others?
· What did this event do to your self-esteem and self-worth?
· Who was responsible for your reaction to the incident?
· Who was responsible for your feelings about the incident?
· Who was responsible for your inability to forgive yourself?
· How can you forgive yourself?
· How can you put this incident behind you?
· How can you avoid being so hurt when something like this happens again?
Step 3: Once you have thought out how to forgive yourself for this past mistake, failure, error, or event, use this self-forgiveness mirror work script. For the next thirty days let go of your self-anger, self-blaming, self-hatred, self-disgust, and self-pity over this specific past event by spending time in front of a mirror using this script.
Self-Forgiveness Mirror Script
· I forgive you for (the past event).
· You are a human being subject to making mistakes and errors.
· You do not need to be perfect in order for me to love you.
· This (past event) is just an example of the challenges which you have been given on earth by your Higher Power.
· You will meet the challenge and grow by handing the pain and hurt from this problem (past event) over to your Higher Power to take it off your shoulders.
· You don't need to be so burdened by the pain and hurt you feel because of this (past event).
· You are a good person. I love you.
· You deserve my understanding, compassion, and forgiveness.
· You deserve to come out from behind the wall you have built around yourself as a result of this (past event).
· Hand the wall over to your Higher Power so you can become more visible to me and others.
· I love seeing you, talking to you, and listening to you.
· You have within you all you need to grow in self-esteem, self-confidence, self-respect, and self-deservedness.
· There is nothing you have ever done that can't be forgiven by me.
· You did the best you could knowing what you did at the time.
· You have compulsive and impulsive habitual ways of acting which you are working to change.
· You may have slip-ups again but as long as you get back on the wagon of recovery and keep on trying that's good enough for me.
· You no longer need to condemn yourself for this (past event).
· You are forgiven. I love you and I am so happy to have you in my life.
· You and I are best friends and together we will gain strength by giving all our past hurt, pain, guilt, self-anger, and self-hatred over to our Higher Power.
· I feel lighter as we talk because I feel the burden of the hurt, pain, and guilt over this (past event) lifting from my shoulders.
· I see you holding your head up and standing taller as I forgive you for this (past event).
· I know that your Higher Power has forgiven you and I feel the peace and serenity of letting go of the need to hold on to it (past event) anymore.
· I forgive you because you deserve to be forgiven. No one needs to hold onto such a burden for so long.
· You deserve a better life than you have been giving yourself.
· Let go of this (past event) and know that you are forgiven.
· You are a loveable, capable, special person and I promise to continue to work on letting go of hurt and pain from the past which has been preventing your inner healing and self growth.
Step 4: Once you have forgiven yourself fully over the past incident, repeat Step 3 addressing one at a time all the past or present incidents of hurting self or others for which you need to forgive yourself.
Step 5: When you have exhausted your list of incidents for which you need self-forgiveness, you will be on the road to self-recovery. If you have problems in the future, return to Step 1 and begin again.
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